Bear News Beartown News

MARCH 1, 2005



The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
1.    Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2.    Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3.    Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people, which stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4.    Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
5.    Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6.    Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7.    Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
8.    Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9.    Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
10.    Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
11.    Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?   And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
12.    Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13.    Glibido: All talk and no action.
14.    Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15.    Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16.    Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17.    Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
18.    Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Have you ever made a chicken soup?
Don't bother; they won't eat it.


A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders,
because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars!?! This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."

If you lived here, you'd be home now.



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