Bear News Beartown News

MARCH 1, 2003


Philadelphia, PA

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia. You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be marching on this business... And that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back.
 But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement . .. . We are a society who holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty . . . And after all, it is just a sign.
 You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?
Answer: A Funeral Home (Who said morticians had no sense of humor?)


Jacob, age 92, and Ester, age 89, are very excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the
way they pass a drugstore.  Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:  "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? "
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety.  The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob says to the pharmacist:  "We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please."


SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.
SYMPTOM: Truck suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and laughs.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
SYMPTOM: Cold and unable to unlock door to hotel room.
FAULT: Woke up in hotel room, got up to go to bathroom and chose wrong door.
ACTION: Knock loudly on door to wake sleeping wife. If this fails, find hotel worker to unlock door for you



An 85 year-old man, Esau Wood,  went to the doctor's office to get a sperm count done, just to make sure everything was till functional.
The doctor gave him a little jar and told him to go home and bring it back tomorrow with a sample for examination.
The next day, the man came in and gave him the jar. It was spic and span -- not a drop!
"Why is it empty?" asked the doctor.
"Well," said Esau, "I tried with my right hand, and then my left, but no good. Then my wife tried with her right hand, then her left, then with her teeth in, and with them out -- still nothing. Finally, we called in the neighbor Arlene, and she tried all of those things, plus under her arm and between her knees -- still no good. So I came back."
"Good Lord, " exclaimed the doctor, "you called in a neighbor to help?"
"Yup," said Esau, "but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the lid off that damned jar!"


Esau Wood sawed wood. Esau Wood would saw wood ! Oh, the wood Wood would saw!
All the wood Esau Wood saw, Esau Wood would saw. In other words, all the wood Wood saw, Esau sought to saw.
One day, Wood's wood-saw would saw no wood. Hence, all the wood Wood saw was the wood Wood would saw if Wood's wood-saw would saw wood. But because Wood could saw wood only with a wood-saw that would saw wood, Esau sought a saw that would saw wood.
Then Esau saw a saw as no other wood-saw would saw. In fact, of all the wood-saws Wood ever saw saw wood, Wood never saw a saw saw as the wood-saw Wood saw would saw. And even I never saw a saw saw as the wood-saw Wood saw would saw until I saw Esau saw wood with the wood-saw Wood saw saw wood. Now Wood saws wood with the wood-saw Wood saw saw wood, so the story has a happy ending.

From M. P. S. of Ashford, Washington:



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