WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN
WITH A SINGLE AMERICAN"
This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a
business in Philadelphia. You are probably outraged at the
thought of such an inflammatory statement. One would think
that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be
marching on this business... And that the National Guard
might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back.
But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted
to let the proprietors simply make their statement . .. . We
are a society who holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our
greatest liberty . . . And after all, it is just a sign.
You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a
A Funeral Home (Who said morticians had no sense of humor?)
Jacob, age 92, and Ester, age 89, are very excited about their
decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the
wedding and on the
way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married.
Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism,
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems,
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety.
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping
pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob says to the pharmacist:
"We'd like to register here for our
wedding gifts, please."
Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi
SYMPTOM: Truck suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and laughs.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the
room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
SYMPTOM: Cold and unable to unlock door to hotel room.
FAULT: Woke up in hotel room, got up to go to bathroom
and chose wrong door.
ACTION: Knock loudly on door to wake sleeping wife. If
this fails, find hotel worker to unlock door for you
85 year-old man, Esau Wood, went to the doctor's
office to get a sperm count done, just to make sure
everything was till functional.
The doctor gave him a little jar and told him to go
home and bring it back tomorrow with a sample for
The next day, the man came in and gave him the jar. It
was spic and span -- not a drop!
"Why is it empty?"
asked the doctor.
said Esau, "I tried
with my right hand, and then my left, but no good.
Then my wife tried with her right hand, then her left,
then with her teeth in, and with them out -- still
nothing. Finally, we called in the neighbor Arlene,
and she tried all of those things, plus under her arm
and between her knees -- still no good. So I came
"Good Lord, "
exclaimed the doctor,
"you called in a neighbor to help?"
said Esau, "but no
matter what we tried, we couldn't get the lid off that
MR. ESAU WOOD
Wood sawed wood. Esau Wood would saw wood ! Oh, the
wood Wood would saw!
All the wood Esau Wood saw, Esau Wood would saw. In
other words, all the wood Wood saw, Esau sought to
One day, Wood's wood-saw would saw no wood. Hence,
all the wood Wood saw was the wood Wood would saw if
Wood's wood-saw would saw wood. But because Wood
could saw wood only with a wood-saw that would saw
wood, Esau sought a saw that would saw wood.
Then Esau saw a saw as no other wood-saw would saw.
In fact, of all the wood-saws Wood ever saw saw
wood, Wood never saw a saw saw as the wood-saw Wood
saw would saw. And even I never saw a saw saw as the
wood-saw Wood saw would saw until I saw Esau saw
wood with the wood-saw Wood saw saw wood. Now Wood
saws wood with the wood-saw Wood saw saw wood, so
the story has a happy ending.
From M. P.
S. of Ashford, Washington: