HUMOR
PERSONAL SURVEY
1.)
Does the bluebook value on your truck go up and down, depending on how
much gas is in it?
2.) Do you let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front
of her kids?
3.) Do you ever wonder how service
stations keep their bathrooms so clean?
4.) Does the Halloween pumpkin on your porch have more teeth than your
spouse?
5.) Do you ever have to go outside
to get something from the fridge?
6.) Do you have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front
yard?
7.) Have you ever lit a match in
the bathroom and your trailer exploded right off its wheels?
8.) Has your wife's hairdo ever been ruined by a ceiling fan?
9.) Did you have to remove a
toothpick for your wedding pictures?
10.) Has your front porch ever collapsed, killing all of your dogs?
BETTER
DEFINITIONS
ADULT: A person who has stopped
growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up
and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before
they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie
if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without
damaging the paper.
MYTH: A female moth.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like
flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at
a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to
extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.
DID
SOMEBODY SAY
BEARTOWN
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HYMNS for the Over 50 Crowd
Precious Lord, Take
My Hand, And Help Me Up
It is Well with My
Soul, But My Knees Hurt
Nobody Knows the
Trouble I have Seeing
Just a Slower Walk
with Thee
Count Your Many
Birthdays, Name Them One by One
Go Tell It on the
Mountain, But Speak Up
Give Me the Old
Timer's Religion
Blessed Insurance
Guide Me O Thou
Great Jehovah, I've Forgotten Where I Parked
Valentines Day Poem
Collards is green, my
dog's name is Blue, and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thing like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze, softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.
You move like a bass, which
excites me in May, You ain't got no scales but I love you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a
fry'n in the pan, Yo're as fragrant as "snuff " right out of the can.
You have some'a yore teeth, for
which I am proud, I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions,when you
shave under your arms, well I'm in hawg heaven,and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work, they
all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purdy young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man, to patch up life's troubles and fix what you
can.
Yo're as strong as a fourwheeler
racin' through the mud, yet fragile as that sanger named Naomi Judd.
Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin'
overhead, You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth like a
plaid flannel shirt, you spark up my life more than a fresh load of
dirt.
When you hold me real tight like a
padded gunrack, my life is complete, Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin', Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps
hidin'.
And when you get old like a '57
Chevy, I won't put you on blocks and let grass grow up heavy.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with
a RC cold drink, we go togeather like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate for
Valentine's Day, They git it at Wal-Mart,it's romantic that way.
Some men git roses on that special
day, from the cooler at Kroger's. "That's impressive", I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds from a
flea market booth, "Diamonds are forever", they explain, suave and cooth.
But for this man, honey, these
won't do, Cause yor'e too special,you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste
nor odor, more useful than diamonds........IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!
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