Bear News Beartown News

MARCH 1, 2001


Once upon a barren moor
There dwelt a bear, also a boar.
The bear could not bear the boar,
The boar thought the bear a bore.
At last the bear could bear no more
That boar that bored him on the moor.
And so one morn he bored the boar-
That boar will bore the bear no more!

Big Dave staggered in the house at 4AM with a partially full liquor bottle in his hand. His wife was waiting at the door! She grabbed the bottle and said, "I'm gonna see what there is in this stuff that you like so much." She took two or three big swallows, lost her breath, coughed, turned red, and sputtered, "This stuff is terrible!"
Her husband gazed her into focus and said,
"And all this time, I'll bet you thought I was enjoying it."

Two liars got to bragging, and one said he'd been ocean fishing and caught a 500 pound fish.
The second one said he too had gone deepsea fishing and thought he had caught a fish but it turned out to be a lantern from the Titanic, and it was still lit!The first liar pondered this story for a minute and said,
"I'll take 200 pounds off that fish I caught if you blow out the lantern."

One day I went to visit and old friend at his farm. He showed me around the place and when we came to the pigpen there was the strangest looking pig I had ever seen. It had a wooden PEG-LEG!
We went to the house and my curiosity got the best of me; I asked about the unusual pig.
"One night that pig woke us up, busting down the door, squealing. The house was on fire. He saved our lives. Another time," he continued, "my tractor overturned, pinning me to the ground. Nobody was around; I thought I was a goner. Well, here comes that pig running. He grunted and pushed until he got that tractor off of me."
"Amazing," I exclaimed. "But why the wooden leg?"
Well, you don't expect me to eat a great pig like that all at one time!"



A tall eastern girl named Short long loved a big Mr. Little. But Little, thinking little of Short, loved a little lass named Long. To belittle Long, Short announced she would marry Little before long. This caused Little shortly to marry Long.
To make a long story short, did tall Short love big Little less because Little loved little Long more?

A blacksmith was shaping red-hot horse-shoes on his anvil and throwing them down on the ground to cool. A local boy wandered up, reacheed down, and picked up one of the half cooled shoes. He quickly dropped it. The blacksmith asked slyly, "Was it hot?"
"No, it just don't take me long to look at a horseshoe."

The Jones brothers had a mule named Charlie. Charlie was a hard working mule, easy to drive for all types of work. But Charlie had one problem. When they put him in his stall at night; his ears brushed against the top of the entrance and this drove Charlie CRAZY. He would kick, bite and buck like crazy.
One day the oldest brother got a hand saw and went down to the barn and began sawing out the top of the entrance. The younger brother comes along and says, "Wouldn't it be much easier to take a shovel and dig some of the dirt out of the entrance?"
The older brother replied,
"Are you stupid? It ain't his feet and legs that's too long; it's his ears!"


Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none.
The easiest way to eat crow is while its still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.
If it don't seem worth the effort, it probably ain't.
The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.
Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there with ya.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back into your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.


Copyright 2000 Claude Dern, All Rights Reserved
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