March 1, 2000
Have you hugged your favorite bear today?
The still pig eats the swill.
Kissing a girl that is willing is like scratching a place that doesn't itch.
Your car is facing north on a straightaway. How can you drive it 100 yards and, without making a turn, find yourself 100 yards south of where you started?
Drive in reverse
Two residents were recently found frozen to death at the Beartown Drivein. They had gone to see "Closed For The Season".
A local naturalist was recently hiking in the snowy
woods across the creek from Crooked Tree Farm and was
wondering how he could cross the icy water and reach the
road. He called out to the old farmer who was spliting
some wood "How do I get to the other side of the
Solomon, one of David's sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
flatlander who moved to Beartown wanted to learn to hunt
and asked the sporting store owner to show him how to
load and shoot the new rifle he was buying. Then the
store owner told him to go out into the woods and when he
saw some game to shoot it. The new hunter met a girl
while walking in the woods and said, "Are you game?"
DID SOMEBODY SAY BEARTOWN
We all get excited for the arrival of spring and warmer temperatures. This change in our environment may result in some late winter maladies which should not be mistaken for spring fever. Verification of the rectal temperature of us humans as well as our animal friends will determine what type of fever the subject is experiencing. Normal rectal temperatures are as follows.
CAUTION Any undue stress prior to taking the reading will result in an elevated temperature. Make sure the subject is fully relaxed.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark
The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father
If there were two airplanes flying through a
blizzard, how could you tell the one from Beartown?
The Beartown definition of bigamist is a heavy fog off the coast of England.
The Beartown Library is temporarilly closed; someone checked out the book.
A new resident of Beartown, obviously a flatlander, recently purchased a chainsaw and was assured by the dealer that he could easily cut at least two cords of firewood per day. A week later the man returned, complaining that he had only been able to cut one cord in a week. The dealer started up the saw with one pull and the surprised customer exclaimed "What's that noise?"
Copyright 2000 Claude Dern, All Rights Reserved
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