Bear News Beartown News

March 1, 2000


Have you hugged your favorite bear today?

The still pig eats the swill.

Kissing a girl that is willing is like scratching a place that doesn't itch.

Your car is facing north on a straightaway. How can you drive it 100 yards and, without making a turn, find yourself 100 yards south of where you started?

Drive in reverse

Two residents were recently found frozen to death at the Beartown Drivein. They had gone to see "Closed For The Season".

A local naturalist was recently hiking in the snowy woods across the creek from Crooked Tree Farm and was wondering how he could cross the icy water and reach the road. He called out to the old farmer who was spliting some wood "How do I get to the other side of the creek?"
"You are on the other side ." the farmer called back.

Solomon, one of David's sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

An obvious flatlander who moved to Beartown wanted to learn to hunt and asked the sporting store owner to show him how to load and shoot the new rifle he was buying. Then the store owner told him to go out into the woods and when he saw some game to shoot it. The new hunter met a girl while walking in the woods and said, "Are you game?"
She said, "Sure."
So he shot her.



We all get excited for the arrival of spring and warmer temperatures. This change in our environment may result in some late winter maladies which should not be mistaken for spring fever. Verification of the rectal temperature of us humans as well as our animal friends will determine what type of fever the subject is experiencing. Normal rectal temperatures are as follows.

Humans 98.6
Bears 99-101
Horses 100.5
Chickens 107.1
Mice 99
Cows 101.5
Mountain lions 101.5
Sheep 103
Elephants 97.5-99
Racoons 101.8
Snakes 60-94
Goats 102
Deer 101
Donkeys 101
Pigs 102
Dogs 102
Rabbits 102.5
Cats 101.5

CAUTION Any undue stress prior to taking the reading will result in an elevated temperature. Make sure the subject is fully relaxed.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark

The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father

If there were two airplanes flying through a blizzard, how could you tell the one from Beartown?
The one with the chains on the prop.

The Beartown definition of bigamist is a heavy fog off the coast of England.

The Beartown Library is temporarilly closed; someone checked out the book.

A new resident of Beartown, obviously a flatlander, recently purchased a chainsaw and was assured by the dealer that he could easily cut at least two cords of firewood per day. A week later the man returned, complaining that he had only been able to cut one cord in a week. The dealer started up the saw with one pull and the surprised customer exclaimed "What's that noise?"


Copyright 2000 Claude Dern, All Rights Reserved
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