Bear News Beartown News

FEBRUARY 1, 2009


Puns Intended

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Time flies like an arrow . Fruit flies like a banana.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
A backward poet writes inverse.

In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!



The  doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is  that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes  your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a  headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
 Joe was shocked and  depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to  go under the knife.
 When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for  the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of  himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different  person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and  thought, 'That's what I need... a new suit.' He entered the shop and told the  salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly  and said , 'Let's see. size 44 long.'
 Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did  you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the  tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit, it fit  perfectly.
 As Joe admired himself in the mirror,  the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
 Joe  thought for a moment and then said,  'Sure.'
 The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's  see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how  did you know?
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit  perfectly.
 Joe walked comfortably around the  shop, and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said,  'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size  36.'
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you , I've  worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You  can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base  of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion -  PRICELESS



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