HUMOR
NOAH'S ARK
Everything I need to know, I learned from Noah's Ark...
ONE: Don't miss the boat.
TWO: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
FOUR: Stay fit. When you're 60 years old, someone may ask you to
do something really big.
FIVE: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that
needs to be done.
SIX: Build your future on high ground.
SEVEN: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
EIGHT: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board
with the cheetahs.
NINE: When you're stressed, float awhile.
TEN: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by
professionals.
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THE MOUSE
TRAP
A mouse looked through a crack in the wall to
see the farmer and his wife opening a package. What food might
it contain? He was aghast to discover that it was a mouse
trap. Retreating to the farmyard the mouse proclaimed the
warning: "There is a mouse trap in the
house, a mouse
trap in the house!" The chicken clucked and scratched,
raised her head and said, "Excuse me,
Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it
is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it."
The mouse turned to the pig and told him,
"There is a mouse trap in the house, a
mouse trap in the house!" "I am
so very sorry Mr. Mouse," sympathized the pig,
"but there is nothing I can do about it
but pray. Be assured that you are in my prayers." The
mouse turned to the cow. She said, "Like
wow, Mr. Mouse. A mouse trap. Like I am in grave danger.
Duh...NOT!"
So the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to
face the farmer's mouse trap alone. That very night a sound
was heard throughout the house, like the sound of a mouse trap
catching its prey.
The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the
darkness, she did not see that it was a venomous snake whose
tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the farmer's wife.
The farmer rushed her to the hospital. She returned home with
a fever. Now everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh
chicken soup, so the farmer took
his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient.
His wife's sickness continued so that friends and neighbors
came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the
farmer butchered the pig.
The farmer's wife did not get well and a few days later she
passed away. So many people came for her funeral, that the
farmer had the cow slaughtered,
to provide meat for all of them to eat. So the next time you
hear that someone is facing a problem and think that it does
not concern you, remember that when
there is a mouse trap in the house, the whole farmyard is at
risk.
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WHY???
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Is the third hand on the watch
called the second hand?
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3. If a word is misspelled in the
dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first
dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out
of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow
up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim
chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their
barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game"
when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands"
when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark"
when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the
unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a
"wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" &"oversee"
mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled
the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do
they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage,
where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is
lingerie so popular????
19. If you are cross-eyed and have
dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and
panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the
buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries
are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in
a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a
long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels?
Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the
inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set
when you only have one?
27. Christmas is weird. What other
time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and
eat candy out of your socks?
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GOVERNMENT
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in
the middle of a desert.
Congress said,
"someone may steal from it at night."
So they created a night watchman position and hired a
person for the job. Then
Congress said,
"How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"
So they created a planning
department and hired two people, one person to write the
instructions, and one person to do time studies. Then
Congress said,
"How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks
correctly?"
So they created a Quality Control department and hired
two people. One to do the studies and one to write the
reports. Then
Congress said,
"How are these people going
to get paid?"
So they created the following positions, a time keeper,
and a payroll officer,
then hired two people. Then
Congress said,
"Who will be accountable for all of these people?"
So they created an administrative section and hired
three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant
Administrative Officer, and a Legal
Secretary. Then
Congress said,
"We have had this command in operation for one year and
we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback
overall cost."
So they laid off the night watchman!
DID
SOMEBODY SAY
BEARTOWN |
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