Bear News Beartown News

FEBRUARY 1, 2002



 The service station trade was slow
 The owner sat around,
 With sharpened knife and cedar stick
 Piled shavings on the ground.
 No modern facilities had they,
 The log across the rill
 Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
 That sat against the hill.
 "Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
 The owner leaning back,
 Said not a word but whittled on,
 And nodded toward the shack.
 With quickened step she entered there
 But only stayed a minute,
 Until she screamed, just like a snake
 Or spider might be in it.
 With startled look and beet red face
 She bounded through the door,
 And headed quickly for the car
 Just like three gals before.
 She missed the foot log - jumped the stream
 The owner gave a shout,
 As her silk stockings, down at her knees
 Caught on a sassafras sprout.
 She tripped and fell - got up, and then
 In obvious disgust,
 Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
 And faded in the dust.
 Of course we all desired to know
 What made the gals all do
 The things they did, and then we found
 The whittling owner knew.
 A speaking system he'd devised
 To make the thing complete,
 He tied a speaker on the wall
 Beneath the toilet seat.
 He'd wait until the gals got set
 And then the devilish tike,
 Would stop his whittling long enough,
 To speak into the mike.
 And as she sat, a voice below
 Struck terror, fright and fear,
 "Will you please use the other hole,
 We're painting under here!"


The sixth sick shiek's sixth sheep's sick



A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
I came. I saw. I decided to order take out.
If you don't like my standards of cooking...lower your standards.
Apology. Although you'll find our house a mess, come in,
sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this.
Some days it's even worse.

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!
If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Help keep the kitchen clean. Eat out.
My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.
I clean my house every other day. Today is the other day!
So this isn't Home Sweet Home...Adjust!
Ring bell for Maid Service. If no answer, do it yourself!
If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
My house was clean last week. Too bad you missed it!


If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months.
I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.
I could deal with that, too.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line,
you swat them too.
I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling.
He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and
excess body fat.

I wanna be a bear.


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