Bear News Beartown News

FEBUARY 1, 2001

HUMOR

PSALM

Monopoly is my caretaker: I shall not want.
It alloweth me to play golf in subsidized pastures; it angles with me in posted waters.
It reneweth my income; it leadeth me in the paths of luxury for its name's sake.
Yea, tho I walk thru the dangers of the death-traps of industry, I will fear no losses;for thou art with me: thy privileges and thy profits they comfort me.
Thou declarest dividends unto me in the presence of my victims; thou hast fattened my surplus with graft: my wealth runneth over.
Surely special interests will be granted me all the days of my life, and I will legislate in the hall of Monopoly forever.


Excerps From
Patient's Charts at Beartown Hospital

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1995.
The patient refused an autopsy.
Patient had eggs for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
She is numb from her toes down.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
Patient has chest pain if he lies on his left side for over a year.
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Jones, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

DID SOMEBODY SAY BEARTOWN

WEATHER

What is the difference between "partly cloudy" and "partly sunny" in a weather report?

The expression partly sunny was brought to you by the same folks who brought you comfort station and sanitary engineer. As a technical meteorological term, partly sunny doesn't exist. So while you might assume that a partly sunny sky should be clearer than a partly cloudy one, the two terms signify the same condition. You have merely encountered a weathercaster who prefers to see the glass as half full rather than half empty.


Save $$$?
Heat with Wood

First year costs:

2 stoves and installation $1385.
Removal of hot water baseboard and boiler $238.
Search for reputable wood dealer N/A $76.
Chain saw $210.
Ax, wedges, maul, cant hook, etc. $119.
Old truck (junk after 1st load) $595.
Newer truck $8645.
Tire chains $88.
Replace truck's rear windoiw (twice) $310.
Fine for cutting wrong trees $500.
5-acre woodlot $4995.
Splitting machine $950.
14 cases of beer $126.
6 fifths ginger brandy $38.
Fine for littering $250.
Towing charge (brook to road) $50.
Gas, oil, files, Band-aids $97.
Doctor's fee (sawdust in eye) $45.
Medical cost for broken toe (dropped log) $128.
Safety shoes $35.
Attempt to fix burned hole in carpet $76.
New living room carpet $699.
Paint living room $110.
Taxes on woodlot $44.
Woodlot boundary dispute settlement $465.
Roof repair after chimney fire $840.
Fine for assaulting fireman $50.
Extension ladder $55.
Chimney brush $22.
Medical fee for broken leg (fell off roof) $478.
Chimney cleaning service $90.
Replace coffee table (chopped up and burned while too drunk to bring firewood up from cellar) $79.
Divorce settlement $14,500.
EXPENSES $36,388

Sale of hot water boiler system $125.
Fuel oil savings $376.
CREDITS $501.

NET COST OF FIRST YEAR WOOD BURNING OPERATION; $35,887.


PROVERBS

You may bend the sapling, but not the tree.
As one tends the fence he also tends the farm.
Whistling girls and crowing hens come to a bad end.
A sheep that bleats loses many a mouthful.
A person who thinks too little usually talks too much.
We grow too soon old and too late smart.
Kissing wears out - cooking don't.
If you go barefoot, don't plant thorns.


Email: dernc@sover.net


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