Bear News Beartown News

February 1, 2000


A man who is always looking for a helping hand can find one attached to his own arm!

"Say, what's your cat's name?"

"Ben Hur."

"How did you happen to think of that name?"

"Well, we called it Ben until it had kittens."

An expert is a guy who helps you go wrong with confidence.

It was a real pea-soup fog and George was following the taillights of the car in front of him when it stopped so suddenly he crashed right into it.

"Hey," yelled George, "why didn't you signal that you were going to stop, you jerk!"

"Why should I?" came the reply from out of the fog, "I'm in my own garage!"

A drunk stumbled into the emergency room at Beartown Hospital and insisted he had swallowed a whole horse. It was a slow night and the doctors decided to have some fun. He was prepared for surgery and put under with ether. When asleep, an orderly was sent out for a horse. The drunk came out of sedation to find a big white horse tethered to the foot of his bed. "You've made a mistake," cried out the drunk, "That's not it. I swallowed a black one."

They walked down the lane together,
the sky was covered with stars;
they reached for the gate in silence,
he lifted down the bars.
She raised her brown eyes to him,
there's nothing between them now;
for he was just a farmer's boy,
and she -- a Jersey cow!

A sign at Beartown Plumbing Supply Co.


There has long been a controversy about the relative quality of venison and beef as a gourmet food. Some claim that venison is tough, with a strong, wild taste. Others insist venison is tender, and that it's flavor is delicate. Beartown University's Food Research Dept. recently conducted a taste test to determine the truth of these conflicting assertions.

First a prime Angus steer was led into a swamp two miles distant from the nearest road. and shot several times. After some of the entrails were removed, the carcass was dragged over rocks and logs, through mud and dust, thrown into the back of a pick-up truck and transported 90 miles through rain and snow before being hung out in the the sun for ten days. Next it was lugged into a garage, where it was skinned and rolled around on the floor for awhile. Strict sanitary precautions were observed throughout this test, within the limitations of the butchering environment. For instance, dogs and cats were allowed to sniff at the steer carcass, but were chased out of the garage if they attempted to lick the carcass or bite hunks out of it, or sit on the workbench. Then the steer was dragged into the house and down the basement stairs. Six inexperienced but enthusiastic men worked on the carcass with meat saws, cleavers, and dull knives while consuming excessive amounts of beer. The results were 370 pounds of soup bones, four pails of meat scraps, and a few steaks that were a quarter inch thick on one edge and two inches thick on the other. The steaks were fried in a skillet full of rancid bacon grease, along with three pounds of onions. After one hour of frying, the contents of the pan were served to three blindfolded taste panel volunteers.

All of the panel thought it was venison. One member remarked that it tasted exactly like the venison he had eaten at hunting camp for the past fifteen years. The results of this trail indicate conclusively that there is no difference between the taste of beef and the taste of venison.

Farmer John to son: "Ira, quit pointin' that thar gun at yore little brother. Hit might go off and kill one of them hawgs he's playing with."


World's Largest Room Discovered

It is room for improvement. Talk less, say more. Try it for one week at no cost.


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