Bear News Beartown News

December 1, 2009

HUMOR

UFO

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, a UFO with five
aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell,
New Mexico . This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

 
Albert A. Gore, Jr..
  Hillary Rodham
  John F. Kerry
  William J. Clinton
  Howard  Dean
  Nancy Pelosi
  Dianne Feinstein
  Charles E. Schumer
  Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses?
I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you.
It did for me.
No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens!
Now You Know

  THE FEDs

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and
talks with an old rancher named Warren.
He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your
ranch for illegally grown drugs." 
Warren says, "Okay , but do not go in that
field over there," as he points out the location.
The  DEA  officer verbally explodes saying,
"Mister,  I have the authority of the Federal
Government with me." 
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes
his badge and proudly displays it to Warren. 
"See this badge? 
This badge means I am allowed to go wherever
I wish.  .  . On any land.  No questions asked or
answers given.  Have I made myself clear? 
Do you understand? "
Warren nods politely, apologizes, and goes about
his chores at the ranch. 
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud
screams and sees the DEA officer running for
his life chased close behind by the rancher's
prize bull. 
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the
officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored 
before he reaches safety.  The officer is clearly
terrified.  
Warren throws down his tools, runs to the fence
and yells at the top of his lungs.  .  .
" Your badge!
              Show him your BADGE!

                    Show him your BADGE!!!


"Never look down on anyone unless you're helping them up."
. . . Jesse Jackson


 

OLD

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.  Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates and St Peter escorted them inside.  He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bathroom.  A maid could be seen, hanging up their favorite clothes in the walk-in wardrobe.  
They gasped in astonishment when he said,
"Welcome to Heaven.  This will be your home now."
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.  
"Why, nothing!" St Peter replied, "Remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth...
"What are the greens fees?", grumbled the old man.
"This is Heaven," St Peter replied, "you can play for free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks, to exotic desserts, and free-flowing drinks of every kind.
"Don't even ask," said St Peter to the man.  "This is Heaven, it's all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part!" St Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.  This is Heaven!"
The old man pushed,
"No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer. "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...."
"Never again.  All you do here is enjoy yourself!"
The old man glared at his wife and said,
"You and your Bran Flakes.  We could have been here ten years ago!"  

DID SOMEBODY SAY
BEARTOWN


Email: dernc@sover.net


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