HUMOR
THE
PURINA DIET
I have
a Golden retriever. I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and
was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog?
(DUH!)
On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was
starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because
I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds
before I
awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is
nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention
here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my
story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the
dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an
Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was
laughing so hard!
Yes, the new one is out! The brand new edition
of You know you're a redneck when...
You take your dog
for a walk and you both use the same tree.
You can entertain yourself
for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
You burn your yard rather
than mow it.
You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
The Salvation Army declines
your furniture.
You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want
it.
You have the local
taxidermist on speed dial.
You come back from the dump
with more than you took.
You keep a can of Raid on
the kitchen table.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your grandmother has "ammo"
on her Christmas list.
You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
You've been involved in a
custody fight over a hunting dog.
You go to the stock car
races and don't need a program.
You know how many bales of hay your
car will hold.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
Your
house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
You can
spit without opening your mouth.
You
consider your license plate personalized
,
because your father made it.
Your lifetime goal is to own a
fireworks stand.
You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all
say "Cool Whip" on the side.
The biggest city you've ever been to
is Wal-Mart.
Your working TV sits
on top of your non-working TV.
You've used your ironing board as a
buffet table.
A tornado hits your neighborhood
,
and does $100,000
worth of improvements.
You've used a toilet brush to
scratch your back.
You missed your 5th grade graduation
because you were on
jury duty.
You think fast food is hitting a deer
at 65.
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PREGNANT
TURKEY
STORY
One year
at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my
sister's house for the traditional
feast. Knowing how gullible my sister
is, my mom decided to play a trick.
She told my sister that she needed
something from the store. When my sister
left, my mom took the turkey out of the
oven. She removed the stuffing, stuffed
a Cornish hen, inserted it into the
turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She
then placed the bird(s) back in the
oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister
pulled the turkey out of the oven and
proceeded to remove the stuffing. When
her serving spoon hit something, she
reached in and pulled out the little
bird. With a look of total shock on her
face, my mother exclaimed,
"Patricia,
you've cooked a pregnant bird!"
At the reality of this horrifying news,
my sister started to cry. It took the
family two hours to convince her that
turkeys lay eggs!
Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE!
In
Honor of Stupid People . . .
In case you needed further proof that
the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label
instructions on
consumer goods.
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on
bottom) --
"Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Sainsbury's peanuts --
"Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine --
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery
after taking
this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of
construction accidents if we
could just get those 5 year-olds with
head-colds off those bulldozers.)
On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding --
"Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
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DID SOMEBODY SAY
BEARTOWN |
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