Bear News Beartown News

DECEMBER 1, 2004


The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners.
Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of
breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.


We at Carnival Cruise Lines are not forgetting that a lot of entertainers promised to leave the country if George W. Bush were to be re-elected President.
With that in mind, we have a Special Offer for those who still want to keep their promise!
Attention: Alec Baldwin, Rosie O'Donnell and her "wife", Ed Asner, Janneane Garafalo, Whoopi Goldberg, Al Franken, Michael Moore,  Cher, Phil Donahue, Rob Reiner (apparently still a "meathead"), Barbara Streisand, Jane Fonda, and the entire staffs of the LA and NY Times and anyone else who made that promise, please dispose of all US assets and report to Florida for the sailing of the Funship Cruise, "Elation," which has been commissioned to take you to your new vacation homes in Afghanistan.
You may opt to be dropped off in Somalia or Iraq or some similar sunny location.
The Florida Supreme Court will sponsor a Farewell Parade in your honor through Palm Beach, Broward, and Miami-Dade counties prior to your cruise.
Please pack for an extended stay... at least FOUR MORE YEARS. Note: Since you advocate strict gun control, you may not bring any.
Staffing your voyage is Bill Clinton as captain, John Edwards as cruise director, and Gray Davis, as Purser (the guy in charge of managing the money). "Teh-RAY-sah" Heinz Kerry hopefully will be shoved somewhere below deck away from the media.
Monica Lewinsky will be the "Cigar and Cigarette Girl". Entertainment will be provided by the Dixie Chicks and Bruce Springsteen, and movies will be shown each evening by Michael Moore.
John Kerry will be our Life Guard based on his past experience of pulling people out of the water. He is also in charge of games and has eliminated "shuffleboard" in favor of his new game he calls "waffleboard". Be sure to pack your flip flops as you will need them while playing.
Ted Kennedy will double as Bartender and back-up Life Guard. He only qualifies as back-up Life Guard since his experience in rescuing people from drowning has not been too successful.
Revs. Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson will provide inspirational services, and Al Franken will  provide comic relief  each afternoon.
If you have any questions about making arrangements for your homes, friends and loved ones, please contact Senator Hillary Clinton. Her "village" can raise your children while you're gone, and she can watch over all your money and your furnishings until you return.
"Bon Voyage!"
Is this a great country or what? It's called Freedom of Speech.


The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farm house in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question, ''Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?''
I replied: ''But I did have a drug problem when I was a kid growing up on the farm. I had a drug problem when I was young: I was drug to church on Sunday morning.  I was drug to church for weddings and funerals.  I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.  I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.
I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher.  Or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.  I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profane four letter word. I was drug out to pull weeds in Mom's garden and flower beds and cockleburs out of dad's fields.  I was drug to the homes of family, friends, and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one, to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some fire wood, and if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have
drug me back to the wood shed.
Those drugs are still in my veins; and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, and think.  They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin, and if today's children had this kind of drug problem,
America might be a better place today.

A liberal stated he thought there was going to be another civil war in this country as a  result of this election. Now that's just sad, because we've been practicing for it for years and I haven't seen them at the range even once. It would be like one of those fund-raisers where the Harlem Globetrotters play the coaches at your local high school. What's the liberal battle cry going to be, "You Can't Hug a Child With Nuclear Arms"?
Anyway, here are some of the face-offs I picture in the upcoming Culture War:
Seal Team 6 vs. 2 Live Crew
The NRA vs. The NEA
Arnold vs. Alec
Hummers vs. Hybrids
Monster Garage vs. Desperate Housewives
Camo vs. tie dye
Fireworks vs. Candlelight vigils
Folding stocks vs. Birkenstocks
Cabelas vs. cabalists
SHOT Show vs. Lilith Fair
"Let's roll" vs.
Paris Island vs. Fire Island
Hoppes No. 9 vs. Patchouli oil
MP5s vs. MP3s
Ma Deuce vs. Mother Jones
Reloaders vs. Recyclers

If you lived here, you'd be home now.



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