HUMOR
The
Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked
readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by
adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a
new definition. Here are this year's winners.
Bozone (n.): The substance
surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from
penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little
sign of
breaking down in the near future.
Foreploy (v): Any
misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.
Cashtration (n.): The act of
buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Giraffiti (n): Vandalism
spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm (n): The gulf between
the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get
it.
Inoculatte (v): To take coffee
intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis (n): Terminal
coolness.
Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate
disease. (This one got extra credit.)
Karmageddon (n): It's like,
when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes,
right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
serious bummer.
Decafalon (n.): The grueling
event of getting through the day consuming only things that
are good for you.
Glibido (v): All talk and no
action.
Dopeler effect (n): The
tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at
you rapidly.
Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The
frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the
form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in
the morning and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor (n.): The color you
turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
Ignoranus (n): A person who's
both stupid and an asshole.
BYE BYE
We at Carnival
Cruise Lines are not forgetting that a lot of
entertainers promised to leave the country if George W. Bush
were to be re-elected President.
With that in mind, we have a Special Offer for those who
still want to keep their promise!
Attention: Alec Baldwin, Rosie
O'Donnell and her "wife", Ed Asner, Janneane Garafalo,
Whoopi Goldberg, Al Franken, Michael Moore, Cher, Phil
Donahue, Rob Reiner (apparently still a "meathead"), Barbara
Streisand, Jane Fonda, and the entire staffs of the LA and
NY Times and anyone else who made that promise, please
dispose of all US assets and report to Florida for the
sailing of the Funship Cruise, "Elation," which has been
commissioned to take you to your new vacation homes in
Afghanistan.
You may opt to be dropped off in Somalia or Iraq or some
similar sunny location.
The Florida Supreme Court will sponsor a Farewell Parade in
your honor through Palm Beach, Broward, and Miami-Dade
counties prior to your cruise.
Please pack for an extended stay... at least FOUR MORE
YEARS. Note: Since you advocate strict gun control, you may
not bring any.
Staffing your voyage is Bill Clinton as captain, John
Edwards as cruise director, and Gray Davis, as Purser (the
guy in charge of managing the money). "Teh-RAY-sah" Heinz
Kerry hopefully will be shoved somewhere below deck away
from the media.
Monica Lewinsky will be the "Cigar and Cigarette Girl".
Entertainment will be provided by the Dixie Chicks and Bruce
Springsteen, and movies will be shown each evening by
Michael Moore.
John Kerry will be our Life Guard based on his past
experience of pulling people out of the water. He is also in
charge of games and has eliminated "shuffleboard" in favor
of his new game he calls "waffleboard". Be sure to pack your
flip flops as you will need them while playing.
Ted Kennedy will double as Bartender and back-up Life Guard.
He only qualifies as back-up Life Guard since his experience
in rescuing people from drowning has not been too
successful.
Revs. Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson will provide
inspirational services, and Al Franken will provide comic
relief each afternoon.
If you have any questions about making arrangements for your
homes, friends and loved ones, please contact Senator
Hillary Clinton. Her "village" can raise your children while
you're gone, and she can watch over all your money and your
furnishings until you return.
"Bon Voyage!"
Is this a great country or
what? It's called Freedom of Speech.
|
The DRUG
PROBLEM in AMERICA
The other day, someone at a store in our
town read that a methamphetamine lab had
been found in an old farm house in the
adjoining county and he asked me a
rhetorical question,
''Why didn't we have a
drug problem when you and I were growing
up?''
I replied: ''But I did
have a drug problem when I was a kid
growing up on the farm. I had a drug
problem when I was young: I was drug
to church on Sunday morning. I was drug
to church for weddings and funerals. I was
drug to family reunions and community
socials no matter the weather. I was
drug by my ears when I was disrespectful
to adults.
I was also drug to the woodshed when
I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought
home a bad report card, did not speak with
respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the
preacher. Or if I didn't put forth my best
effort in everything that was asked of me.
I was drug to the kitchen sink to
have my mouth washed out with soap if I
uttered a profane four letter word. I was
drug out to pull weeds in Mom's garden
and flower beds and cockleburs out of dad's
fields. I was drug to the homes of
family, friends, and neighbors to help out
some poor soul who had no one, to mow the
yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some
fire wood, and if my mother had ever known
that I took a single dime as a tip for this
kindness, she would have
drug me back to the wood shed.
Those drugs are still in my veins;
and they affect my behavior in everything I
do, say, and think. They are stronger than
cocaine, crack, or heroin, and if today's
children had this kind of drug problem,
America
might be a better place today.
|
A liberal stated he
thought there was going to be another
civil war in this country as a
result of this election. Now that's just
sad, because we've been practicing for
it for years and I haven't seen them at
the range even once. It would be like
one of those fund-raisers where the
Harlem Globetrotters play the coaches at
your local high school. What's the
liberal battle cry going to be,
"You Can't Hug a
Child With Nuclear Arms"?
Anyway, here are some of the face-offs I
picture in the upcoming Culture War:
Seal Team 6 vs. 2
Live Crew
The NRA vs. The
NEA
Arnold vs. Alec
Hummers vs.
Hybrids
NASCAR vs. NAMBLA
Monster Garage vs.
Desperate Housewives
Camo vs. tie dye
Fireworks vs.
Candlelight vigils
Folding stocks vs.
Birkenstocks
Cabelas vs.
cabalists
SHOT Show vs.
Lilith Fair
"Let's roll" vs.
moveon.org
Paris Island vs.
Fire Island
Hoppes No. 9 vs.
Patchouli oil
MP5s vs. MP3s
Ma Deuce vs. Mother Jones
Reloaders vs.
Recyclers |
If you lived here,
you'd be home now.
|
DID
SOMEBODY SAY
BEARTOWN |
|
