Bear News Beartown News

DECEMBER 1, 2002

HUMOR


THE BOTTLE

Brother
in your
pain through
life; through
this world
of pain and
strife, eve-
ry moment
night and day, as you journey
on your way--shun the whiskey
bottle.  Know you not that in each
one, hid beneath the sparkling rum, lies a
deadly serpent there?    Brother, do not
drink, beware!-Shun the whisky bottle.
In that bottle too, there lies guarded by
this serpents tongue, anguish, poverty
and crime.  Heed the warning-turn
in time.  Shun the whisky bottle.
The woe, the ruined lives of the
mothers and wives.  Heed their
tears; oh, stop and think of the
misery caused by drink.  Shun
the whisky bottle.
  Brother, if
you wish to find happiness
and peace of mind, wealth,
contentment,   comfort,
friends all on which suc-
cess depends--shun the
whisky bottle.
  At last
when death is at your
door if you would live
forevermore,   if you
would gain celestial
prize, and live with
God beyond the
skies, shun the
whiskey bottle.


WHAT WOULD JESUS DRIVE?

One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because "the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury." But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm." Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast." Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd. "For I did not speak of  my own Accord..." Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills." Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land." And, following the Master's lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda... "The Apostles were in one Accord."

The PREACHER'S ASS
 

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that
there was a fortune in
horse-racing, decided to purchase one and enter
it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for a
horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.
He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it
in the races. To his surprise, the
donkey came in third.
The next day the local paper carried this headline:
PREACHER'S ASS
SHOWS.

The preacher was so pleased with the
donkey that he entered it in the
race again, and this time it won.
The paper read:
PREACHER'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
preacher not to enter the
donkey in another race.
The next paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid
of the
donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid
of the
donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.

COSIGNER
A FOOL WITH A PEN


DID SOMEBODY SAY
BEARTOWN


Email: dernc@sover.net


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