of a FEMALE'S LIFE
To GROW UP
To FILL OUT
To SLIM DOWN
To HOLD IT IN
To HELL WITH IT!!!
VERMONT FARMER'S WIFE
Amy, a blonde city girl, married
a Vermont farmer.
One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer
says to her, "The artificial
insemination man is coming to impregnate one of our cows
today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four above the cow's
stall so you can show him which one. You show him where
she is, okay?"
So the farmer leaves for the fields, and a while later,
the artificial insemination man arrives. Amy takes him
down the long row of cows until she sees the nail, and
tells him, "This is the one.
This one right here!"
Impressed with Amy, the blonde city girl, the man asks,
"How did you know this is the
cow to be bred?"
"By the nail over its stall,"
Then the man asks, "What's
the nail for?"
"I guess it's to hang your
pants on," she tells him
as she walks away.
What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots
coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks,
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is your
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took
a bite out of my ham and
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and
left it on the kitchen table and when I
came back from the bathroom, someone had
bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me
before and I'm sick and tired of it.
Caller: Hi, is this the police?
Dispatcher: This is 911. Do you need police
Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can
you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never
cooked one before.
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. Fire or emergency?
Caller: Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering.....does the Fire
Dept. put snow chains on their trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an
Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours
trying to put these chains on my tires
do you think the Fire Dept. could come over
and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is the nature
of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but
my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and
nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What's the nature
of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble
breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....
think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way.
Are you an asthmatic?
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you
started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the police.
If you lived here,
you'd be home now.