Bear News Beartown News

NOVEMBER 1, 2003



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Old Muldoon is out with his buddies - has a few drinks, gets horny - but, true to his wife, goes home. He finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open, gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.
Of course she chokes but recovers and asks, "What did you put in my mouth??"
He says, "Two aspirin."
She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE !!!!"
He says, - "That's what I wanted to hear."


The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention so he asked one of his employees, Jenkins, to write him a punch, 20-minute speech. When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious.
"What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?", he demanded. "Half the audience walked out before I finished."
Jenkins was baffled.
"I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."


A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi! I hate drawing welfare.  I'd really rather have a job."
 The clerk behind the welfare desk says,
"Your timing is excellent.  We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.  You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.  Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.  You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.  You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.  The starting salary is $200,000 a year."
 The guy says,
"You're bullshiting me!"
 The welfare clerk says,
"Yeah, well, you started it."


To celebrate 50 years of marriage a couple, both avid golfers, booked a golfing weekend at St. Andrews. On the third tee, the husband said, "Darling, I have to confess something. Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope that you can forgive me."
His wife was hurt but said,
"Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed.
On the seventeenth tee the wife said to her husband,
"Darling, since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change
operation, I was a man before we met."
The husband threw a fit! He cursed, threw his driver away, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, tore at his clothes, screamed and ranted, "You liar, you despicable cheat! How could
you? I trusted you, and you have been playing from the ladies' tee all these years!"


One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, well, you can come with me to my house," instructed the lawyer. "But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me!"

"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer.
He turned to the other man and said: "You come with us, too."
"But I have a wife and six children," the second man answered.
"Bring them as well" replied the lawyer. They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows said: "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied: "Glad to do it. You'll love my place; the grass is almost a foot tall."

If you lived here, you'd be home now.



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