Bear News Beartown News

NOVEMBER 1, 2002



The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.  After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?"  The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do, why?"  The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead out there!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside, and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion.  The Lone Ranger got water for the horse, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said,
"Tonto, I want you to run around Silver, and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."  Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe," and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.  A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks,
"Who owns that big white horse outside?"  The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"  The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,...
"Nothin', but you left your Injun running"!


Two guys are sitting on bar stools. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!"
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the second guy will do.
The first again yells,
The other says,
"Go home dad, you're drunk."

Why is it called tourist season if we canít shoot them?




Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this ones just too icky.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress - $2000; tux rental - $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $5.95 for a three-pack.
If you are 35 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
Movies don't have to have plots - just guns, boobs and great legs.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.


A family held a reunion when "grandma" was 88 years old, with children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren attending. The talk turned to honeymoons, and the three granddaughters began to tell about their trips to Las Vegas, Chicago and Niagara Falls.
One of the granddaughters turned to grandma.
"Gramma, where did you go on your honeymoon?" she asked.
Grandma never hesitated.
"Upstairs!" she said.


Copyright 2000 Claude Dern, All Rights Reserved
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