Bear News Beartown News

NOVEMBER 1, 2001


Women could Conquer Afghanistan?

Take all American women who are within five years of menopause - train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably) across  the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what  comes naturally.  Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble.  We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die  to protect them and their future.
We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as attractive as tits on a bull.   We have nothing to lose. We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all!  We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers  in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events...finding bin Laden in some cave will be no problem. 
Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please ... we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years ... we understand  tribal warfare.  Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources.  We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it ... with or without the government's help.  Let us go and
fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes  over their godforsaken terrain. I'm going to write my Congresswoman. You should, too!


Which Wood Burns Best

Beech wood fires are bright and clear
If the logs are kept a year.
Chestnut's only good, they say
If for long its laid away.
Elm wood burns like a church yard mold,
Even the very flames are cold.
Poplar gives a bitter smoke,
Fills your eyes and makes you choke.
Apple wood will scent your room,
With an incense like perfume.
Oak and maple, if dry and old,
Keep away the winter cold.
ash wood wet and ash wood dry,
A king shall warm his slippers by.

Personal Evaluations

A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a happy meal.
All foam, no beer.
The butter has slipped off his pancake.  
As smart as bait.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
Skylight leaks a little.
Not wired to code.


A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.
"Oh mamma!" she exclaimed. "The honeymoon was wonderful!
So romantic!"

No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying.
"But soon as we returned, Sam started using the
most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never
heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to
come get me and take me home...please mamma!"

"Now Sarah..." her mother answered. "Calm down! Tell me,
what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mamma," wept the daughter.
"I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to
come get me and take me home...please mamma!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset...
Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride replied,
"Oh, mamma...words like
dust, wash, iron, and cook!"


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