HUMOR
Women
could Conquer Afghanistan?
Take all American women
who are within five years of menopause - train us for a
few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades,
gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones,
chocolate, and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted,
preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan,
and let us do what comes naturally. Think
about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing
standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is
formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans
tremble. We've had our children, we would gladly
suffer or die to protect them and their future.
We'd like to get away from our
husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those of
us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man
with whom to share life is about as attractive as tits on
a bull. We have nothing to lose. We've
survived the water diet, the protein diet, the
carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and
saunas across America and never lost a pound. We can
easily survive months in the hostile terrain of
Afghanistan with no food at all! We've spent years
tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars,
hardware stores, or sporting events...finding bin Laden
in some cave will be no problem.
Uniting all the warring tribes of
Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please ... we've
planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended
families at Thanksgiving dinners for years ... we
understand tribal warfare. Between us, we've
divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for
how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and
money sources. We know how to find that money and
we know how to seize it ... with or without the
government's help. Let us go and
fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as
we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their
godforsaken terrain. I'm going to write my Congresswoman.
You should, too!
DID
SOMEBODY SAY
BEARTOWN
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Which Wood Burns Best
Beech wood fires are bright and clear
If the logs are kept a year.
Chestnut's only good, they
say
If for long its laid away.
Elm wood burns like a
church yard mold,
Even the very flames are cold.
Poplar
gives
a bitter smoke,
Fills your eyes and makes you choke.
Apple wood will scent
your room,
With an incense like perfume.
Oak and maple, if dry and old,
Keep away the winter cold.
But ash wood wet and ash wood dry,
A king shall warm his slippers by.
Personal Evaluations
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a happy meal.
All foam, no beer.
The butter has slipped off his
pancake.
As smart as bait.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one
leash.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His belt doesn't go through all the
loops.
Skylight leaks a little.
Not wired to code.
4 LETTER WORDS
A young couple got married and
left on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called
her mother.
"Well, how was the
honeymoon?" asked the mother.
"Oh mamma!" she
exclaimed. "The honeymoon
was wonderful!
So romantic!"
No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst
out crying.
"But mamma...as soon as we
returned, Sam started using the
most horrible language. He's been saying things I've
never
heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've
got to
come get me and take me home...please mamma!"
"Now Sarah..." her
mother answered. "Calm down! Tell
me,
what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has
he been using?"
"Please don't make me tell
you, mamma," wept the daughter.
"I'm so embarrassed! They're
just too awful! You've got to
come get me and take me home...please mamma!"
"Darling, baby, you must
tell me what has you so upset...
Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh,
mamma...words like
dust, wash, iron, and cook!" |
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