Bear News Beartown News

NOVEMBER 1, 2000


A farmer, who had passed innumerable sleepless nights, immortalized himself by discovering how to keep babies quiet. The mode of operation is as follows: As soon as the squaller awakes, set it up, propped by a pillow, if it cannot sit alone; then smear its fingers with sticky molasses; then put half a dozen feathers into its hands, and it will sit and pick feathers from one hand to the other until it drops asleep. As soon as it wakes again, molasses and more feathers, and in the place of nerve-astounding yells, there will be silence and enjoyment unspeakable.

Some Beartowntonians are notorious for their endeavor to serve God on the Sabbath and Satan the rest of the week. The minister greeted one such individual with "Well, Brother Dick, I'm glad to see you here today. Haven't stole any turkeys since I saw you last?"
"No, no Reverend, no turkeys."
"Nor any chickens, Brother Dick?"
"No, no Reverend, no chickens."
"Thank the Lord, Brother Dick! That's doing well my brother!" said the Reverend, leaving Brother Dick, who immediately relieved his over-burdened conscience by saying to a near neighbor, with an immense sigh of relief:
"Ef he'd a said ducks, he'd a had me."

A dissipated young man ran away from home and wasted his substance in riotous living. After parting with his last shinplaster, he resolved to visit the paternal roof. His father received him with forgiveness, and rushing to the house overcome with joy that his boy had returned, cried out to his wife, "Let us kill the prodigal; the calf has returned."

"Henry, I say, I was going down the street the other day, and seed a tree bark." "Golly Bill, I seed it hollow." "I seed the same one leave." "Did it take its trunk with it?" "No, it left that for board."


by Polly Ticks

A good old Vermont Democrat was being chided by a Republican friend for being damned narrow-minded and party-minded. "Amos," his friend charged him, "I don't suppose you'd vote for a Republican no matter how fine a man he was."
"Nope," said the Democrat, "I wouldn't. The Democratic Party has a long tradition of support in my family, and in my family tradition counts.
"You see, for three generations we've been Democrats, and I'm a Democrat.
"For three generations we've been farmers, and I'm a farmer.
"And for three generations none of us has ever been married, and by God, I'm a bachelor!"

Years ago in a relatively small Green Mountain community, a few Democrats decided to make the highly irregular move of holding a Democratic meeting, and issued an invatation to the public. The town minister was a stanch Republican, but he had a Democrat in his congregation and he decided to attend as an observer to find out what was going on. There being no other clergyman present he was asked if he would open the meeting with prayer.
He said he was sorry, but he would have to decline. "To be frank," he explained, "I'd rather the good Lord didn't know I was here."

An old-time Beartown farmer who was, as you would expect, a stout Republican, went to report a theft to the town Constable, who strangely enough happened to be a Democrat.
"Yes, Constable," he said, "yesterday I butchered a hog and left it hanging by the barn. During the night someone came along and stole half that hog. And I'm sorry to say I think it was a Republican,"
"And why," asked the Constable, "do you think it was a Republican?"
"Because," said the farmer, "if it had been a damned Democrat he'd have taken the whole hog."

Back in the days when Vermont was pretty much a one-party state the Board of Civil Authority in a small town was busy counting the ballots in the November election. Republican - Republican - Republican seemed to run on without end until suddenly up came a Democratic ballot.
They passed it up and down the table,
looked it all over, smelt of it, and then put it by itself in a separate place. The Republican run started again and went on until, lo and behold, a second Democrat ballot showed. As they gave it the same close scrutiny and put it aside with the first one, a member of the Board analyzed the trend:
"By God, the scoundrel must have voted twice."

"When I was young," the woman said, "I used to worry about where my taxes were going. Now, I worry about where they are coming from."


Copyright 2000 Claude Dern, All Rights Reserved
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