Bear News Beartown News

OCTOBER 1, 2004



"A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults."-Louis Nizer
"I feel so miserable without you. It's almost like having you here."-Stephen Bishop
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."-Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."-Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."-Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."-William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"-Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."-Moses Hadas
"His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open."-Howard Hughes (about Clark Gable)
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."-Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."-Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy."-Walter Kerr
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."-Jack E. Leonard
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."-Abraham Lincoln
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."-Groucho Marx
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." -Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."-Thomas Brackett Reed
"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."-James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."-Charles, Count Talleyrand
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"-Mark Twain
"A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity."-Mark Twain
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."-Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."-Mae West
"She is a peacock in everything but beauty."-Oscar Wilde
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."-Oscar

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."-Oscar Wilde
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."-Billy Wilder
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."-Andrew Lang (1844-1912) 


The future of "I give" is "I take."
The parts of speech are lungs and air.
The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
(Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
The general direction of the Alps is straight up. Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.
The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
We do not raise silk worms in the United States, be cause we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.
One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.
One by-product of raising cattle is calves.

The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
The climate is hottest next to the Creator.
Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.
The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular a the top and plural at the bottom.
Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.
The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.
Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.
A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.

If you lived here, you'd be home now.



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