OCTOBER 1, 2004
"A graceful taunt is worth a
thousand insults."-Louis Nizer
"I feel so miserable without you.
It's almost like having you here."-Stephen Bishop
"He has all the virtues I dislike
and none of the vices I admire."-Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much
to be modest about."-Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I
have read many obituaries with great pleasure."-Clarence
"He has never been known to use a
word that might send a reader to the dictionary."-William
Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think
big emotions come from big words?"-Ernest Hemingway (about
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste
no time reading it."-Moses Hadas
"His ears made him look like a
taxicab with both doors open."-Howard Hughes (about Clark
"He is not only dull himself; he is
the cause of dullness in others."-Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a
spine to run up."-Paul Keating
"He had delusions of
"There's nothing wrong with you that
reincarnation won't cure."-Jack E. Leonard
"He can compress the most words into
the smallest idea of any man I know."-Abraham Lincoln
"I've had a perfectly wonderful
evening. But this wasn't it."-Groucho Marx
"He has the attention span of a
lightning bolt." -Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths
without subtracting from the sum of human
knowledge."-Thomas Brackett Reed
"He inherited some good instincts
from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he
overcame them."-James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
"In order to avoid being called a
flirt, she always yielded easily."-Charles, Count
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any
address on it?"-Mark Twain
"A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious
old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy
in the Trinity."-Mark Twain
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I
sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."-Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him
away and kept the stork."-Mae West
"She is a peacock in everything but
"Some cause happiness
wherever they go; others whenever they go."-Oscar
"He has no enemies, but is intensely
disliked by his friends."-Oscar Wilde
"He has Van Gogh's ear for
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...
for support rather than illumination."-Andrew Lang
The future of "I
give" is "I take."
The parts of speech are lungs and air.
The inhabitants of
Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
A census taker is man
who goes from house to house increasing the
Water is composed of
two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is
pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
(Define H2O and CO2.)
H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
The general direction of the Alps is
Most of the houses in
France are made of plaster of Paris.
The people who
followed the Lord were called the 12
The spinal column is a
long bunch of bones.
The head sits on the
top and you sit on the bottom.
We do not raise silk
worms in the United States, be cause we get
our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and
gives more silk.
One of the main causes
of dust is janitors.
A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due
and respects all duly constipated
One by-product of
raising cattle is calves.
The four seasons
are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
The climate is hottest
next to the Creator.
Oliver Cromwell had a
large red nose, but under it were deeply
The word trousers is
an uncommon noun because it is singular a
the top and plural at the bottom.
Syntax is all the money collected at the
church from sinners.
The blood circulates
through the body by flowing down one leg and
up the other.
Iron was discovered
because someone smelt it.
In the middle of the
18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.
A person should take a
bath once in the summer, not so often in the
If you lived here,
you'd be home now.
Copyright 2000 Claude Dern, All
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