Bear News Beartown News

OCTOBER 1, 2003



If you are choking on an ice cube,  don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The  blockage will be almost instantly removed.
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Avoid arguments with your wife about  lifting the toilet seat by simply peeing in the sink.
High blood pressure sufferers: simply  cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
A mouse trap, placed on top of your  alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you  hit the snooze button.
If you have a bad cough, take a large  dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb  with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache.
Sometimes we Just Need to Remember What The Rules of Life Really Are... You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If  it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the Duct Tape.
The five most essential words for a  healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."
Everyone seems normal until you get to  know them.
Never pass up an opportunity to go  potty.
If You Woke up Breathing,  Congratulations! You have another chance!
Be Really Good To  Your Family and Friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty  your bedpan!


Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"


A Navy pilot sat down at the Officer's Club bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the
man in the flight suit and asked, "Are you a real Navy pilot?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life flying big, gray planes, deploying overseas to strange places, attending combat and weapons schools, dodging SAMs, jinxing through hostile airspace, wearing big watches, and strapping into cockpits and Speed Jeans, so I guess I am a Navy pilot."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the pilot and asked, "Are you a real Navy pilot?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."


Jesse J. got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of his head.
In sheer panic and fearing he really was turning white and might have to start working for a living, he called his doctor and told him of his problem.
The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately.
After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Jesse and told him to drink it all.
Jesse did and replied, "That tasted like bullshit!"
The doctor replied, "It was, Jesse. You were a quart low."

I often quote myself.  It adds spice to my conversation!


A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"  I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and started top take off her underwear.  Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.  "Big breaths," I instructed.  "Yes, they used to be." remorsed the patient.
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.  Not more than 5 minutes later I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test.  I placed the patient 20 feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand."  He read the 20/20 line perfectely.  "Now your left."  Again a flawless read.  "Now both." I requested.  There was silence.  He couldn't even read the large E on the top line.  I turned and discovered he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered.  I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.  "Which one?" I asked.  "The patch.  The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"  I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.  The man had over 50 patches on his body!  Now the instructions include the removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?"  After a look of complete confusion she answered.  "Why, not for about 20 years - when my husband was alive.
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked "So, how's your breakfast this morning?"  "It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly.  I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.  I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
A nurse was on duty in the ER, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.  It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.  When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."  Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams.  To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.  The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing the exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him.  He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry.  Was I tickling you?"  She replied,  "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'."

If you lived here, you'd be home now.



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