Bear News Beartown News

OCTOBER 1, 2002



I have changed my system for labeling homemade freezer meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
However, I used to get frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes.
If you look in my freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that say:
"Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
My frustration is now reduced because no matter what my husband replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that it is there waiting.


A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.   The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door.   The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.  The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.
Sure enough,
Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee.
She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically.   After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday.  Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."



From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in
which it was postulated that English should have male and  female nouns, readers were asked to assign a gender to a noun of  their choice and explain their reason.
The best submissions were:

ZIPLOC BAGS-male, because they hold everything in,  but you can always see right through them.
SWISS ARMY KNIFE-male, because even though it  appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most  of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS-female, because they always go to the  bathroom in pairs.
SHOE-male, because it is usually unpolished, with  its tongue hanging out.
COPIER-female, because once turned off, it takes a  while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive  device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can  wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
TIRE-male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go  anywhere you have to light a fire under it...  and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES-female, because they are soft and
squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGE-female, because it is always getting hit on.
SUBWAY-male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS-female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER-male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL-female...Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.


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