Bear News Beartown News

OCTOBER 1, 2000


There was a young lad far away
Who never felt merry or gay
Then he took a good look
At the Beartown News book
And he laughed for the rest of the day


This troubled world is sighing now,
The flu is at the door;
And many folks are dying now
Who never died before.

Here lies what's left
Of Leslie Moore
No Les
No more.

Here lies John Bun;
He was killed by a gun.
His name was not Bun, but wood;
But Wood would not rhyme with gun, and Bun would.

Here lies the body of Jonathan Pound,
Who was lost at sea and never found.

Beneath this stone a lump of clay
Lies Uncle Peter Daniels,
Who too early in the month of May,
Took off his winter flannels.

Stranger, approach this spot with gravity:
John Brown is filling his last cavity.

What a Coincidence!

I think it most peculiar
But something we should praise,
That almost all our famous men
Were born on holidays.

Logical English

I said, "This horse, sir, will you shoe?"
And soon the horse was shod.
I said, "This deed, sir, will you do?"
And soon the deed was dod!
I said, "This stick, sir, will you break?"
At once the stick he broke.
I said, "This coat, sir, will you make?"
And soon the coat he moke!


On mules we find two legs behind,
And two we find before,
We stand behind before we find
What the two behind be for.
When we're behind the two behind
We find what these be for,
So stand before the two behind,
Behind the two before.


YOU might be in BEARTOWN IF:

The wind is faster than your truck.
Most every vehicle is a 4x4.
When the sun goes down you start looking for your coat.
In March your vehicle is 47% mud.
You leave your keys in the car and the next morning it's still there.
You installed your new computer using a headax.
You hear the words "stream" or "brook" pronounced "crick".
The elevation exceeds the population.
You can see the stars at night.
You've broken down on the highway and someone stops to help you.
People drive 150 miles to a shopping mall.
You slept through the night unawakened by a siren.
You get a set of snow tires for Valentines Day.
Your greatgrandmother is older than the courthouse.
The bumper jack in the pickup will lift a house.
Your back yard smells like skunk cabbage or various animals.
An auction is more popular than a rock concert.
Democrats are like salmon, they are on the endangered species list..
You talk about a combine and people don't wonder what your putting together.
You know why people pay money to watch "pig wrestling".
You have to wait for a herd of cattle to pass you on the road.
Every other car you pass is a tractor.
When the car in front of you is weaving you suspect a farmer instead of a drunk.


Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

The flea can jump 350 times its body length; that is like a human jumping the length of a football field.
Right-handed people, on average, live nine years longer than Left-handed people do.
A sneeze travels at over 100 MPH!
Pigs are the only animals other than humans that can get sunburn.
Rats can't vomit - that's why rat poison works.

The longest town name in the world has 167 letters.
On New Year's Day in Spain they throw a goat off a church.
Slugs have four noses!
Vatican City is the smallest country in the world, with a population of 1000 and a size of 108.7 acres.
Venus's day is longer than its year because of how it rotates and spins.
There are more plastic flamingos in the U.S. than real ones.


Copyright 2000 Claude Dern, All Rights Reserved
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