HUMOR
There was
a young lad far away
Who never felt merry or gay
Then he took a good look
At the Beartown News book
And he laughed for the rest of the day
EPITAPHS
This
troubled world is sighing now,
The flu is at the door;
And many folks are dying now
Who never died before.
Here lies
what's left
Of Leslie Moore
No Les
No more.
Here lies
John Bun;
He was killed by a gun.
His name was not Bun, but wood;
But Wood would not rhyme with gun, and Bun would.
Here lies
the body of Jonathan Pound,
Who was lost at sea and never found.
Beneath
this stone a lump of clay
Lies Uncle Peter Daniels,
Who too early in the month of May,
Took off his winter flannels.
ON A
DENTIST
Stranger, approach this spot with gravity:
John Brown is filling his last cavity.
What
a Coincidence!
I think it
most peculiar
But something we should praise,
That almost all our famous men
Were born on holidays.
Logical
English
I said,
"This horse, sir, will you shoe?"
And soon the horse was shod.
I said, "This deed, sir, will you do?"
And soon the deed was dod!
I said, "This stick, sir, will you break?"
At once the stick he broke.
I said, "This coat, sir, will you make?"
And soon the coat he moke!
MULES
On mules
we find two legs behind,
And two we find before,
We stand behind before we find
What the two behind be for.
When we're behind the two behind
We find what these be for,
So stand before the two behind,
Behind the two before.
DID
SOMEBODY SAY BEARTOWN
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YOU
might be in BEARTOWN IF:
The wind
is faster than your truck.
Most every vehicle
is a 4x4.
When the sun goes
down you start looking for your coat.
In March your
vehicle is 47% mud.
You leave your keys
in the car and the next morning it's still there.
You installed your
new computer using a headax.
You hear the words
"stream" or "brook" pronounced "crick".
The elevation
exceeds the population.
You can see the
stars at night.
You've broken down
on the highway and someone stops to help you.
People drive 150
miles to a shopping mall.
You slept through
the night unawakened by a siren.
You get a set of
snow tires for Valentines Day.
Your
greatgrandmother is older than the courthouse.
The bumper jack in
the pickup will lift a house.
Your back yard
smells like skunk cabbage or various animals.
An auction is more
popular than a rock concert.
Democrats are like
salmon, they are on the endangered species list..
You talk about a
combine and people don't wonder what your putting
together.
You know why people
pay money to watch "pig wrestling".
You have to wait
for a herd of cattle to pass you on the road.
Every other car you
pass is a tractor.
When the car in
front of you is weaving you suspect a farmer instead of a
drunk.
THINGS
YOU DIDN'T KNOW YOU DIDN'T KNOW
Every time
you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
The
flea can jump 350 times its body length; that is like a
human jumping the length of a football field.
Right-handed people,
on average, live nine years longer than Left-handed
people do.
A sneeze travels at
over 100 MPH!
Pigs are the only
animals other than humans that can get sunburn.
Rats can't vomit -
that's why rat poison works.
The
longest town name in the world has 167 letters.
On New Year's Day
in Spain they throw a goat off a church.
Slugs have four
noses!
Vatican City is the
smallest country in the world, with a population of 1000
and a size of 108.7 acres.
Venus's day is
longer than its year because of how it rotates and spins.
There are more
plastic flamingos in the U.S. than real ones.
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