JANUARY 1, 2008
IF Santa Answered His Mail Honestly.....
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that
up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides
his ass constantly? It's time to give up that
dream. Let me send you some Legos instead.
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Who names their kid 'Francis' nowadays. I bet you're gay. I'll set you
up with a Barbie.
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when
riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend
most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by
drinking myself silly and playing grab ass with cocktail
waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm
skipping your house.
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
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