Bear News Beartown News

JANUARY 1, 2004



Two reasons why redneck murders are rarely solved.
1.  The DNA is always the same.
2.  There are no dental records.

Husband Mart

A husband shopping center (Husband Mart) has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men.
The store is comprised of six floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the
shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
 The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor r sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 123,456,789,012,345 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at Husband Mart.

How to tell the SEX of a FLY

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."


Operator :  "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your order?"

Customer: "Hello, can I order.."
Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh..., hold  on....6102049998-45-54610"
Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Sheehan and you're calling  from
17 Meadow Drive. Your home number is 494 2366,  your office 745 2302 and your mobile is 014 266 2566. Would you like to have  the delivery made to 17 Meadow Drive?
Customer: "Yes, how did you get all my phone  numbers?"
Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."

Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"
Customer: "How come?"

Operator : "According to your medical records, you have  high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"
Customer: "What?... What do you recommend  then?"

Operator : "Try our Low Fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. You'll  like it"
Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Soybean  Yogurt Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir"

Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family sized ones then, how much will that cost?
Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10,  Sir. The total is  $49.99

Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"

Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you're owing your bank $3720.55 since  October last year.
That's not including the late payment charges  on your housing loan Sir."
Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM  and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"
Operator : "You can't do that Sir. Based on the records,  you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"

Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait  you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle..."
Customer: " What the..?"

Operator : "According to the details in the system, you own  a Harley,.. registration number  E1123..."

Customer: "@#%/$@&?#"
Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language to a  policeman...

Customer:( Speechless)
Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"

Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of Pepsi as advertised?"
Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your  records you're also diabetic....... " !!!!

If you lived here, you'd be home now.



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