JANUARY 1, 2004
Two reasons why redneck murders are rarely solved.
1. The DNA is always the same.
2. There are no dental records.
A husband shopping center
has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from
among many men.
How to tell the SEX of a FLY
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your order?"
Customer: "Hello, can I order.."
Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh..., hold on....6102049998-45-54610"
Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Sheehan and you're calling from
Customer: "Yes, how did you get all my phone numbers?"
Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"
Customer: "How come?"
Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"
Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator : "Try our Low Fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. You'll like it"
Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Soybean Yogurt Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir"
Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family sized ones then, how much will that cost?
Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.99
Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"
Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you're owing your bank $3720.55 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan Sir."
Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"
Operator : "You can't do that Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"
Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"
Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle..."
Customer: " What the..?"
Operator : "According to the details in the system, you own a Harley,.. registration number E1123..."
Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language to a policeman...
Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"
Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of Pepsi as advertised?"
Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic....... " !!!!
If you lived here, you'd be home now.
Copyright 2000 Claude Dern, All Rights Reserved
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