Bear News Beartown News

JANUARY 1, 2003

HUMOR


NOAH'S ARK

It is the year 2003 and Noah lives in the United States.
The Lord speaks to Noah and says:
"In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am
commanding you to build an Ark."

In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.

"Remember,"
said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult.  The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.
"Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the .codes  I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl.  I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union.  Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued,  by an animal rights group, they objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no
jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.  Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing
discrimination by not taking godless,  unbelieving people aboard!
The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice
from the State that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational water craft."  Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!"
Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up hopefully.
"You mean you are not going  to destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly.
"The government already has!"

DEER  HUNTING

The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of the muzzle loading deer hunting season.
The pastor asked who had bagged a deer.  No one raised a hand.  Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it.  Last Sunday many of you said you were missing because of hunting season.  I had the whole congregation pray for your deer."
One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked.  They're all safe."

AIRPLANE  TRIP

Two strangers are sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane. One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"
The first guy says,
"Oh, I don't know; how about Nuclear Power?" The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?" The first guy says, "I don't know." The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know shit?"



DIPLOMATIC DINNER

An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a
glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed. "Abdul,
you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?"
demanded the diplomat.
 
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul,  "A man is sitting on the well!"


DID SOMEBODY SAY
BEARTOWN


Email: dernc@sover.net


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