the year 2003 and Noah lives in the United States.
The Lord speaks to Noah and says:
"In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole
earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save
the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on
the earth. Therefore, I am
commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an
Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to
build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord,
"You must complete the Ark and bring
everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth
and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw
Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.
He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord please forgive me!"
cried Noah. "I did my best but
there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for
construction and your plans did not comply with the .codes
I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I
got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark
needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices. Then my
neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances
by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a
variance from the city planning commission.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there
was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted
Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I
needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife
Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I
had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union.
Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued,
by an animal rights group, they objected to me only
taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit
dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark
without filing an environmental impact statement on your
proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that
they had no
jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the
proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now, I
am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal
Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing
discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people
The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm
building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid
paying taxes. I just got a notice
from the State that I owe some kind of user tax and failed
to register the Ark as a recreational water craft." Finally
the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against
further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is
flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6
years!" Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas
began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up hopefully. "You
mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
said the Lord sadly.
"The government already has!"
The Wednesday-night church
service coincided with the last day of the muzzle loading
deer hunting season.
The pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a
hand. Puzzled, the pastor said,
"I don't get it. Last Sunday many
of you said you were missing because of hunting season. I
had the whole congregation pray for your deer."
One hunter groaned, "Well, it
worked. They're all safe."
Two strangers are sitting in adjacent
seats on an airplane. One guy says to the other,
"Let's talk. I hear that the flight
will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your
fellow passenger." The other
guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly,
takes off his glasses and asks,
"What would you like to discuss?"
The first guy says, "Oh, I
don't know; how about Nuclear Power?"
The other guy says, "OK, that
could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let
me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all
eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the cow,
big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is
that?" The first guy says,
"I don't know."
The other guy says, "Oh? Well
then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss
Nuclear Power when you don't know shit?"
diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined
and dined by the State Department. The diplomat was not used
to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses,
salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his
manservant Abdul to fetch him a
glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a
glass of water,
but then came the time when he returned empty handed. "Abdul,
you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the
"A thousand pardons, O
Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "A man
is sitting on the well!"