Bear News Beartown News

JANUARY 1, 2002

HUMOR


DENTAL PROBLEM

A man went to his dentist.
The dentist examined the problem and said, "The upper plate I made for you is eroding. What have you been eating?"
The man replies, "All I can think of is about 5 months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it. It was delicious Hollandaise Sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything."
"Well," says the dentist, "that's the problem. There is a lot of lemon juice in Hollandaise, and its highly corrosive. It has eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you another, and I will make it out of chrome."
"Why chrome?" asked the patient.
The dentist replied, "Everyone knows,
'There's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise.'"


BEARTOWN NEWS
READS YOUR MIND

1. Pick a number from 1 to 10.
2. Multiply it by 9.
3. Add the digits of your answer together.
4. Subtract 4.
5. Let that number represent a letter of the alphabet. (example: A=1, B=2, C=3, etc.)
6. Pick an animal that starts with the letter.
7. Look at the bottom of the page to see what you picked!


BEARTOWN NEWS NEWSBOY

The newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Sixty-four people swindled! Sixty-four people swindled!"
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about sixty-four prople being swindled."
The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "Read all about it.
Sixty-five people swindled!"


DID SOMEBODY SAY
BEARTOWN

LUMBERJACK'S
ALPHABET

A is for Ax, as you very well know.
B is for the Boys that use them just so.
C is for the Chopping that soon will begin,
And
D is for the Danger we always stand in.

E is for the Echoes that through the woods ring;
F is for the Foreman, the head of the gang,
G is for the Grindstone that swiftly goes round,
And
H is for the Handle so smooth and so round.

I is for the Iron, with which we mark pine,
And
J is for the Jolly Boys, all in a line.
K is for the Keen edge our axes we keep,
And
L is for the Lice that over us creep.

M is for the Moss, that we chink into our camps,
N is for the Needle which mendeth our pants,
O is for the Owls that hoot in the night,
And
P is for the Pines that we always fall right.

Q is for the Quarrels, which we don't have round,
R is for the River, where we drive our logs down;
S is for Sled, so stout and so strong,
And
T is for Team to draw it along.

U is for Use, which we put our teams to,
And
V is the Valley which we draw our sleds through,
And
W is for Woods that we leave in the spring,
And now I have sung all I'm going to sing.


HAPPY? NEW YEAR

Twas the month after New Year's, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt--
I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore--
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!


ANSWER TO "READ YOUR MIND"

You selected ELEPHANT


Email: dernc@sover.net


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