SEPTEMBER 1, 2008
THE COUNTRY CORNER
AFTER ALL, I WAS HERE FIRST
Rhrett Davis says he respects the fact that his neighbors in a new Hooper, Utah, subdivision "spent a lot on their homes." It bothers him, though, that they did so knowing full well that he's a farmer, yet they complain about the flies that buzz around his horses and cows and the dust that's kicked up when he cuts and bales hay for the livestock to eat. But since he's not the sort who wishes to be on bad terms, Davis offered to put up a conventional fence. He'd pay half the cost if the neighbors covered the rest. Ah, but that would block their view, so they turned him down. Exasperated, he decided the only way to deal with the issue was an unconventional fence, which he'd erect at his own expense. He happens to have three battered old cars, and one day he took a backhoe and dug holes deep enough to push them into, nose down. They remain on end in a row, tail lights high in the air - and directly in the line of sight between his property and the subdivision. "I'm an easygoing guy," he told reporters, while admitting the way he has chosen to make his point "is kind of in-your-face" even though it wasn't done for spite. He just wants recognition of the fact that Hooper - for all its new houses - is still a farming community. And that since he has lived on the land since he was 7, he can do as he likes with it. So far, the neighbors have given him "only dumbfounded looks." But they haven't aired their opinions in the news media. As for how long the cars will remain in place, Davis isn't telling. although he says, "I thought about putting Christmas lights on them."
I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT.
HERE IS MY PLATFORM:
(1) Press 1 for English is immediately banned.
English is the official language.
Speak it or wait at the border until you can.
(2) We will immediately go into a two-year isolationist posture to straighten out the country's attitude.
NO imports, no exports. We will use the 'WalMart' policy: 'If we ain't got it, you don't need it.'
(3) When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on them.
(4) All retired military personnel will be required to man one of our many observation towers on the southern border. (Six month tour)
They will be under strict orders NOT to fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens.
(5) Social Security will immediately return to its original state. If you didn't put nuttin' in, you ain't getting' nuttin' out. Neither the president nor any other politician will be able to touch it.
(6) Welfare: Checks will be handed out on Fridays at the end of the 40 hour school week and the successful completion of urinalysis and proof of a passing school grade.
(7) Professional Athletes and steroid use: The FIRST time you test positive you will be banned for life.
(8) Crime . . . We will adopt theTurkish method: The first time you steal, you lose your right hand.
There will be no more life sentences -- if you are convicted of a Capital Offense, you will be put to death by the same method you chose for your victim, gun, knife, strangulation, etc.
(9) One export will be allowed - Wheat
The world needs to eat. A bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.
(10) All foreign aid using American taxpayer money will immediately cease, and the saved money will pay off the national debt and ultimately lower taxes.
When disasters occur around the world, we'll ask the American people if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision whether it's a worthy cause.
(11) The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and every day in Congress -- right after a prayer to God.
(12) The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc.
Sorry if I stepped on anyone's toes, but a vote for me will get you better than what you have and better than what you're probably gonna get by voting for either of the major parties.
HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking
strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every
businessman in this country
would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would
be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances an 'special services.'
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women.
Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
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