TEXAS ADVICE
Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.
Good judgement
comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad
judgement.
Lettin' the cat
outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
Never kick a cow
chip on a hot day.
If you're ridin'
ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to
make sure it's still there.
If you get to
thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try ordering
somebody else's dog around.
Don't squat with
your spurs on.
If you find
yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Always drink
upstream from the herd.
There's two
theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
It don't take a
genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Never miss a good
chance to shut up.
There are three
kinds of people: The ones that learn by reading, The few
who learn by observation, and the rest of them who have
to touch the fire to see for themselves if it's really
hot.
MASSACHUSETTS
LAW
Bearded men pay a "goatee" tax
No eating peanuts
in church
No tomatoes in clam
chowder
Hotels must provide
"bed 'n board" for a guest's horse (Boston)
Cannot wash an
animal, vehicle, or shake a mat or carpet in any street
No ringing of
church bells, or any other bells, on account of illness
Don't ride or drive
your jackass or beast of burden at speeds greater than 7
miles per hour
It is now legal to
own a dog larger than ten inches high
Only an officer of
the law may spy on others (Quincy)
No swimming, or
bathing in waters surrounding, or within the city, in
view of any dwelling (Boston)
Every man must
escort his family to church carrying a musket (Quincy)
May not sell
buttermilk on Sunday (Springfield)
You can still graze
your cow on the Boston Common
Before marrying, a
man must kill six birds or three blackbirds (Truro)
No roller skating
along any city street (Quincy)
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Trick-or-treating during a blizzard
Three spices: salt,
pepper, ketchup
Snow-blower gets
stuck on roof
Shotgun is most
effective mosquito repellent
10 favorite recipes
for venison
Twice a year
kitchen is a meat processing plant
Everyone from the
city has an accent
Front door is three
feet above the ground and no front steps
More money owed on
snowmobile than car
More miles on
snowblower than car
Knowing which
leaves make good toilet paper
Trunk of car
doubles as deep freezer
Clean grease from
grill so bears won't visit
Main church
fundraiser is sausage making
-20F is a little
chilly
Feeding the animals
and then the children
BEAR
NABBED AS JAYWALKER
MONTPELIER,
Vt. (AP) - Police say an unidentified caller told them
there was a jaywalker at Colonial Drive and Northfield
Street in the center of town.
They went to the scene Saturday night and found the
jaywalker, but they didn't arrest him. They chased him
away.
The culprit was a small black bear.
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POLISH
Proverbs
A guest sees more in an hour than the host does
in a year.
A man does with a
maiden as he wills; with a widow as she wills.
An empty belly
hears nobody.
Beauty will not
season soup.
Before going to war
say a prayer; before going to sea say two; before getting
married say three.
Children, chickens,
priests and women never say "Enough."
Do not trust a dog
who sleeps, a Jew who swears, a drunkard who prays, or a
woman who weeps.
Eaten bread is hard
to earn.
Eat in Poland,
drink in Hungary, sleep in Germany, and make love in
Italy.
Even a saint sins
at least seven times a day.
Every man has his
louse.
He who loves is a
slave; he who is loved is a master.
In these days, you
must go to heaven to find an angel.
It is a foolish
sheep that makes the wolf his confessor.
Marry a German
woman, and she'll have a hairy tongue.
Only what a poor
man eats and drinks is truly his.
Peace with a German
is like a wolf and a sheep living together.
Rumour is a great
traveller.
The best beer is
where priests go to drink.
The greatest love
is a mother's; then comes a dog's; then comes a
sweetheart's.
The woman cries
before the wedding; the man afterward.
Two cheeses and one
German make three smells.
What could Adam
have done to God that made Him put Eve in the Garden of
Eden?
When I had money,
everyone called me brother.
Worms eat even a
sour apple.
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