Bear News Beartown News
AUGUST 1, 2009


Obama Hosts ‘Beer Summit’ At White House

President Obama is making good on his promise to Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates, Jr. and Cambridge cop James Crowley to host a “beer summit” at the White House.
AP News reports Obama and both men “will meet at the White House on Thursday, each one drinking his favorite beer, in a public attempt to move past the emotional event.”
Obama said he has confidence everyone will be able to settle any deep-seated racial differences they may have even though they couldn’t agree on serving one kind of beer.
A White House spokesman said that if the “beer summit” is successful, Obama plans on inviting the entire country to Washington for margaritas and shots of tequila in an effort to get them wasted enough to pass a comprehensive socialized medicine agenda.
Obama admitted the massive amount of tequila needed might cause a temporary surge in the trade deficit with Mexico, but the President insisted it would also provide jobs for a large number of bartenders and wait staff.
Funds from the party would come from the $500 billion still left in the TARP program that hasn’t yet been wasted or skimmed off by government employees.
Administration officials defended the use of the TARP funds to promote national health care saying the effort was a “shovel-ready” project.
“Trust me,” said Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel, “You wouldn’t believe how much bullsh*t we’ve had to shovel to help move this thing along.”



France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing patiently in line. The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and undisciplined; and those are their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their behavior. Many people are communists, and topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie, and they kiss each other when they hand out medals. American travelers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colorful trousers for easier mutual recognition.



When in France

The consular services of the United States government are intended solely for the promotion of the interests of American businesses such as McDonald's, Pizza Hut and the Coca-Cola Corporation. In the event that you are the victim of a crime or serious injury involving at least the loss of a limb, report to the American Embassy between the hours of 5.15 am and 5.20 am on a Tuesday or Wednesday, and a consular official who is supremely indifferent to your plight will give you a list of qualified dentists or something similarly useless. Remember, no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we always take our holidays at Myrtle Beach, and you are advised to as well. Thank you and good luck.


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