Bear News Beartown News
AUGUST 1, 2003



Two friends lived in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada.  They were sick of winter, so they went to a travel agent and booked a trip
to Australia.
When the two friends got off the plane - still wearing their down
jackets, wool hats and snow boots - they wandered into a pub and sat down.  The locals wondered about these strangers, so one of  the Aussies walked over to the visitors and said, "G'day, mates.  Where're you from?"
"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," one of the Canadians replied.
"Oh," said the Aussie, returning to his table.
"So where are they from?" the other locals asked.
"Don't know," replied the Aussie.  "They don't speak English."


After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Saddam is still alive," Saddam decided to send George W. a letter in his own writing to let him know that he is still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:
370HSSV 0773H
George W. couldn't figure it out so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell.  Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA.
No one could solve it so it went to the
NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret Service ... the list got longer and longer.
Eventually they asked
Mossad in Israel for help. Capt. Moishe Pippick took one look at it and replied:  "Tell the President that he is looking at
the message upside down."


Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Rafferty. The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband 2 years

She replied,
"Aye, that ye did, Father."
The Father asked,
"And be there any wee ones yet?"
She replied,
"No, not yet, Father."
The Father said,
"Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband."
She replied,
"Oh, thank ye, Father." They parted ways.
Some years later they met again. The Father asked,
"Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"
She replied,
"Oh, very well, Father!"
The Father asked,
"And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"
She replied,
"Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and four singles, 10 in all!"
The Father said,
"That's wonderful! And how's yer loving husband doing?"
She replied,
"He's gone to Rome to blow out yer damn candle!"


Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.
His wife, Hillary, got $8 million for hers.
That's $20 million for memories from two people who, for eight years, testified repeatedly - under oath - they couldn't remember anything.


British Courtesy

An American tourist in London found himself needing to take a leak something  terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.
"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.
"I'm sorry," the American replied, "but I really gotta take a leak."
"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."
The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges.
"Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."
The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started pissing on the flowers.
"Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"
"No," retorted the policeman.
"It's the French Embassy."

Goodbye "e-mail," the French government says, and hello "courriel" -- the term that linguistically sensitive France is now using to refer to electronic mail in official documents.

The Culture Ministry has announced a ban on the use of "e-mail" in all government ministries, documents, publications or Web sites, the latest step to stem an incursion of English words into the French lexicon.



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