Bear News Beartown News
AUGUST 1, 2001




Australians speak English. They speak their own brand of the language, developed during their years of isolation from other English-speaking peoples. Australians respect a man for what he is, not for what he represents. Most of them have no respect for constituted authority, very little for tradition, and none at all for the English language.

An extremely useful noun, as valuable to Australians as the coconut to Polynesians. You will be told that it is a 'term of endearment'. Male friends greet each other with phrases like 'Hullo, y'old bastard, what're ya drinkin'?', or 'Where ya been, y'old bastard?' The privilege, however, is reserved for friends. Any stranger who rerfers to an Australian as a bastard will need reinforcements.
You may, if you feel like it, refer to yourself as being a 'bit of a bastard', and the definition will be accepted.
If you hear a third person, in his absence, described as being a bastard, the word will not be a term of endearment.
There is a vast difference between friendly bastards and unfriendly bastards, and there are many other kinds of bastards in between. The best kind is your friend.
Then there's the fellow who's 'not a bad poor bastard'; and the one who is a 'harmless poor bastard'; and the one who is a 'poor stupid bastard'; all of whom are 'not bad bastards when you get to know 'em'. But the fellow referred to as 'that bastard' is indeed a proper bastard, to be avoided if possible.
And the worst kind of all is the 'useless bludgin' bastard', who is fortunately rare. 'Useless bludgin' bastards' have no friends at all.
Until, and if ever, you become familiar with all the shades of meaning given to the word 'bastard', it will behoove you to leave it out of your conversation. Otherwise you may acquire a reputation for being a 'know-all bastard', which means that you know nothing at all.

Discuss the word, if you would like, with anybody. But don't use it about anybody!


Bumper Stickers

If At First You Don't Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
The Earth Is Full... Go Home
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer
Horn Broken... Watch For Finger
If Your Not A Hemorrhoid.. Back Off!
So Many Pedestrians.. So Little Time
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
If We All Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember The Name
Illiterate? Write For Help
Honk If Anything Falls Off
Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
Fight Crime: Shoot Back
If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People
Thank You For Pot Smoking
Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings"
To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over [seen upside down on a Jeep]
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35MPH Are Also timed for 70MPH
Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
Boldly Going Nowhere
CAT: The Other White Meat
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde
Don't Be Sexist - Bitches Hate That
Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets
Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!
Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beer Holder
Grow Your Own Dope... Plant A Man
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
Some People Are Only Alive Because It Is Illegal To Shoot Them



A straight stick looks crooked under water.
Do not insult the mother alligator until after you have crossed the river.
No men are as fond of virtue as they are of women.
None knows the weight of another's burden.
One is never sure of those who sell themselves.
The price women must pay for money is liberty.



In the 1800s typesetters used movable hot-type. A typesetter mixed up the lead slugs on two news stories; one reporting on a new pig-killing sausage-making machine and the other on a pastor's retirement party. Here's what appeared in the newspaper:

"Several of the Reverend Dr. Mudge's friends called upon him yesterday, and after a conversation, the unsuspecting pig was seized by the hind leg and slid along a beam until he reached the hot water tank... Thereupon he came forward and said that there were times when the feelings overpowered one, and for that reason, he would not attempt to do more than thank those around him for the manner in which such a huge animal was cut into fragments was simply astonishing.
"The doctor concluded his remarks, when the machine seized him and in less time than it takes to write it, the pig was cut into fragments and worked up into delicious sausage. The occasion will be long remembered by the doctor's friends as one of the most delightful of their lives. The best pieces can be procured for tenpence a pound, and we are sure that those who have sat so long under his ministry will rejoice that he has been treated so handsomely."



Copyright 2000 Claude Dern, All Rights Reserved
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