AUSTRALIA
Australians speak English. They speak their own
brand of the language, developed during their years of
isolation from other English-speaking peoples.
Australians respect a man for what he is, not for what he
represents. Most of them have no respect for constituted
authority, very little for tradition, and none at all for
the English language.
BASTARD
An
extremely useful noun, as valuable to Australians as the
coconut to Polynesians. You will be told that it is a 'term
of endearment'. Male friends greet each other with
phrases like 'Hullo, y'old bastard, what're ya drinkin'?',
or 'Where ya been, y'old bastard?' The privilege, however,
is reserved for friends. Any stranger who rerfers to an
Australian as a bastard will need reinforcements.
You may, if you feel like it, refer to yourself as being
a 'bit of a bastard', and the definition will be accepted.
If you hear a third person, in his absence, described as
being a bastard, the word will not be a term of
endearment.
There is a vast difference between friendly bastards and
unfriendly bastards, and there are many other kinds of
bastards in between. The best kind is your friend.
Then there's the fellow who's 'not a bad poor bastard';
and the one who is a 'harmless poor bastard'; and the one
who is a 'poor stupid bastard'; all of whom are 'not bad
bastards when you get to know 'em'. But the fellow
referred to as 'that bastard' is indeed a proper bastard,
to be avoided if possible.
And the worst kind of all is the 'useless bludgin'
bastard', who is fortunately rare. 'Useless bludgin'
bastards' have no friends at all.
Until, and if ever, you become familiar with all the
shades of meaning given to the word 'bastard', it will
behoove you to leave it out of your conversation.
Otherwise you may acquire a reputation for being a 'know-all
bastard', which means that you know nothing at all.
Discuss the word,
if you would like, with anybody. But don't use it about
anybody!
2 BASTARDS
DELIVERING BUTTER
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USA
Bumper Stickers
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If At First You Don't Succeed... Blame Someone
Else And Seek Counseling
Eat Right, Exercise,
Die Anyway
The Earth Is Full... Go Home
If You Can Read
This, I've Lost My Trailer
Horn Broken... Watch For Finger
If Your Not A
Hemorrhoid.. Back Off!
So Many Pedestrians.. So Little Time
Cleverly Disguised
As A Responsible Adult
If We All Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
The Face Is
Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember The Name
Illiterate? Write For Help
Honk If Anything
Falls Off
Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
He Who Hesitates Is
Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
Fight Crime: Shoot
Back
If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People
Thank You For Pot
Smoking
Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings"
To All You Virgins:
Thanks For Nothing
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over [seen
upside down on a Jeep]
Remember Folks:
Stop Lights Timed For 35MPH Are Also timed for 70MPH
Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
Body By Nautilus;
Brain By Mattel
Boldly Going Nowhere
CAT: The Other
White Meat
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde
Don't Be Sexist -
Bitches Hate That
Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal
Friends
Honk If You've
Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He
Is Lost?
If You Can't Dazzle
Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets
Money Isn't
Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
Saw It... Wanted It...
Had A Fit... Got It!
Beauty Is In The
Eye Of The Beer Holder
Grow Your Own Dope...
Plant A Man
All Men Are Animals,
Some Just Make Better Pets
Some People Are
Only Alive Because It Is Illegal To Shoot Them
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HAITIAN
Proverbs
A straight stick looks crooked under water.
Do not insult the
mother alligator until after you have crossed the river.
No men are as fond
of virtue as they are of women.
None knows the
weight of another's burden.
One is never sure
of those who sell themselves.
The price women
must pay for money is liberty.
VIRGINIA
In the 1800s typesetters used movable hot-type.
A typesetter mixed up the lead slugs on two news stories;
one reporting on a new pig-killing sausage-making machine
and the other on a pastor's retirement party. Here's what
appeared in the newspaper:
"Several
of the Reverend Dr. Mudge's friends called upon him
yesterday, and after a conversation, the unsuspecting pig
was seized by the hind leg and slid along a beam until he
reached the hot water tank... Thereupon he came forward
and said that there were times when the feelings
overpowered one, and for that reason, he would not
attempt to do more than thank those around him for the
manner in which such a huge animal was cut into fragments
was simply astonishing.
"The doctor concluded his remarks, when the machine
seized him and in less time than it takes to write it,
the pig was cut into fragments and worked up into
delicious sausage. The occasion will be long remembered
by the doctor's friends as one of the most delightful of
their lives. The best pieces can be procured for tenpence
a pound, and we are sure that those who have sat so long
under his ministry will rejoice that he has been treated
so handsomely."
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