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 JULY 1, 2003 |
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JULY 1, 2003 |
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THE COUNTRY CORNER |
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GEORGIA
A rich white man in Georgia wanted to throw a party and invited all of his redneck beer-drinking buddies and neighbors. He had the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women. At the height of the party, the host called everyone around the pool and said, "I have a 10ft man-eating gator in my pool. I'll bet a million dollars that nobody has the guts to jump in and wrestle with it." The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash from the deep end. Everyone turned around to see Leroy, the bartender, in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator... and kicking its butt! He was jabbing the gator in the eyes, throwing punches, doing head butts and chokeholds, biting the gator on the tail, finally flipping it into the air like a Judo instructor. Finally Leroy strangled the gator. It floated on the surface of the pool like a used K-mart goldfish. Leroy then climbed out of the pool, to everybody's disbelieving stares. Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "That's okay. I don't want it." said Leroy, as he rung himself out, and headed back to his bar. The rich man said, "But... you won the bet. I have to give you something. How about a new Porsche then?" "No thanks." answered Leroy, drying himself off with a bar towel. The host said, "I insist on giving you something. I mean, that was an amazing feat, taking on that gator like that. How 'bout a Rolex? Or some stock options in my company?" Again Leroy said no, taking a BIG swig out of a bourbon bottle. Confused, the rich man asked, "Leroy. There's gotta be something I can do for you. What would you want? More than anything else?" Leroy took another swig, glared around the crowd and said, "I want the name of that sum'bitch that pushed me in the pool." TEXAS
New Texas
Quarters If any of you are
collecting the new quarters, you may have to wait awhile for
the Texas ones.
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STATE MOTTOS
Alabama: At
Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong! Arizona: Dehyd-rific! Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthang California: As Seen on TV Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money) Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good Illinois: Gateway to Iowa Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign Maine: Cheap Lobster Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets) Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians Minnesota: For Sale Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomer, and Very Little Else Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest Nevada: Whores and Poker! New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here! New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable North Dakota: Um... We've got... Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones! Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota Tennessee: The Educashun State Texas: Se Hablo Ingles Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus Vermont: Yep Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers! Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor? West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really! Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese Wyoming: Wynot?
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AMERICA
ILLEGAL'S POEM
I cross ocean, poor and broke, Take bus, see
employment folk.
Nice man treat me good in there, Say I need to see welfare. Welfare say, "You come no more, We send cash right to your door." Welfare checks, they make you wealthy, Medicaid it keep you healthy! By and by, I got plenty money, Thanks to you, American dummy. Write to friends in motherland, Tell them 'come fast as you can.' They come in turbans and Ford trucks, I buy big house with welfare bucks. They come here, we live together, More welfare checks, it gets better! Fourteen families, they moving in, But neighbor's patience wearing thin. Finally, white guy moves away, Now I buy his house, and then I say, "Find more aliens for house to rent." And in the yard I put a tent. Send for family they just trash, But they, too, draw the welfare cash! Everything is very good, And soon we own the neighborhood. We have hobby -- it's called breeding, Welfare pay for baby feeding. Kids need dentist? Wife need pills? We get free! We got no bills! American crazy! He pay all year, To keep welfare running here. We think America darn good place! Too darn good for the white man race. If they no like us, they can scram, Got lots of room in Pakistan.
Accidental
deaths by Physicians
a. The number of physicians in the US is 700,000.
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