Bear News Beartown News
JULY 1, 2003



A rich white man in Georgia wanted to throw a party and invited all of his redneck beer-drinking buddies and neighbors.  He had the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women.
At the height of the party, the host called everyone around the pool and said,
"I have a 10ft man-eating gator in my pool.  I'll bet a
million dollars that nobody has the guts to jump in and wrestle with it."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash from the deep end.  Everyone turned around to see Leroy, the bartender, in the pool!  Leroy was fighting the gator... and kicking its butt!
He was jabbing the gator in the eyes, throwing punches, doing head butts and chokeholds, biting the gator on the tail, finally flipping it into the air like a Judo instructor.  Finally Leroy strangled the gator.  It floated on the surface of the pool like a used K-mart goldfish.  Leroy then climbed out of the pool, to everybody's disbelieving stares.
Finally the host says,
"Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"That's okay. I don't want it." said Leroy, as he rung himself out, and headed back to his bar.
The rich man said,
"But... you won the bet. I have to give you
something.  How about a new Porsche then?"

"No thanks." answered Leroy, drying himself off with a bar towel.
The host said,
"I insist on giving you something.  I mean, that was an amazing feat, taking on that gator like that.  How 'bout a Rolex?  Or some stock options in my company?"
Again Leroy said no, taking a BIG swig out of a bourbon bottle.
Confused, the rich man asked, 
"Leroy.  There's gotta be something I can do for you.  What would you want?  More than anything else?"
Leroy took another swig, glared around the crowd and said,
"I want the name of that sum'bitch that pushed me in the pool."


New Texas Quarters

If any of you are collecting the new quarters, you may have to wait awhile for the Texas ones.
The United States Treasury has announced they are recalling the new Texas quarters.
"We are recalling all of the new Texas quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Russell Shackelford said in a press conference in June.
"This comes in the wake of numerous reports to this agency that the quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin- operated devices."
"We believe the problem lies in a design flaw,"
said Skackelford. The winning design for the Texas quarter was submitted by Texas A&M student William Doutrieux.
"Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."

Ad in The Atlanta Journal

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Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever


Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona: Dehyd-rific!
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthang California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Gateway to Iowa
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: For Sale
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomer, and Very Little Else Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: Um... We've got... Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones!
Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State Texas: Se Hablo Ingles
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese Wyoming: Wynot?



I cross ocean, poor and broke, Take bus, see employment folk.
Nice man treat me good in there, Say I need to see welfare.
Welfare say, "You come no more, We send cash right to your door."
Welfare checks, they make you wealthy, Medicaid it keep you healthy!
By and by, I got plenty money, Thanks to you, American dummy.
Write to friends in motherland, Tell them 'come fast as you can.'
They come in turbans and Ford trucks, I buy big house with welfare bucks.
They come here, we live together, More welfare checks, it gets better!
Fourteen families, they moving in, But neighbor's patience wearing thin.
Finally, white guy moves away, Now I buy his house, and then I say,
"Find more aliens for house to rent." And in the yard I put a tent.
Send for family they just trash, But they, too, draw the welfare cash!
Everything is very good, And soon we own the neighborhood.
We have hobby -- it's called breeding, Welfare pay for baby feeding.
Kids need dentist? Wife need pills? We get free! We got no bills!
American crazy! He pay all year, To keep welfare running here.
We think America darn good place! Too darn good for the white man race.
If they no like us, they can scram, Got lots of room in Pakistan.

 Accidental deaths by Physicians

a. The number of physicians in the US is 700,000.
b. Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year is 120,000.
c. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171(US Dept. of Health & Human Services)
Then think about this:
a. The number of gun owners in the US is 80,000,000 (yes, eighty-million!).
b. The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is 1,500.
c. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188. Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand. As a public service, I have omitted the statistics on lawyers for fear that the shock could cause people to seek medical attention.



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