TEXAS
REMAINING U.S.
CEOs MAKE A BREAK FOR IT Band of Roving Chief Executives Spotted
Miles from Mexican Border San
Antonio, Texas(Rooters) Unwilling to wait for their eventual
indictments, the 10,000 remaining CEOs of public U.S. companies made a
break for it last month, heading for the Mexican border, plundering
towns and villages along the way, and writing the entire rampage off
as a marketing expense.
"They came into my home, made me pay for my own
TV, then double-booked the revenues," said Rachel Sanchez of
Las Cruces, just north of El Paso. "Right in
front of my daughters."
Calling themselves the CEOnistas, the chief executives were first
spotted June 2nd along the Rio Grande River near Quemado, where they
bought each of the town's 320 residents by borrowing against pension
fund gains. By late this morning, the CEOnistas had arbitrarily
inflated Quemado's population to 960, and declared a 200 percent
profit for the fiscal second quarter.
The next morning, the outlaws bought the city of Waco, transferred its
underperforming areas to a private partnership, and sent a bill to
California for $4.5 billion.
Law enforcement officials and disgruntled shareholders riding posse
were noticeably frustrated.
"First of all, they're very hard to find because
they always stand behind their numbers, and the numbers keep
shifting," said posse spokesman Dean Levitt.
"And every time we yell 'Stop in the name of the
shareholders!', they refer us to investor relations. I've been on the
phone all damn morning."
"YOU'LL NEVER AUDIT ME ALIVE!"
3D Animated Flags
Courtesy of 3DFlags.com
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The pursuers said they have had some success, however, by
preying on a common executive weakness.
"June 8th we caught about 24 of them by disguising one of our
female officers as a CNBC anchor," said U.S.
Border Patrol spokesperson Janet Lewis.
"It was like moths to a flame."
Also, teams of agents have been using high-powered listening
devices to scan the plains for telltale sounds of the
CEOnistas.
"Most of the time we just hear leaves rustling
or cattle flicking their tails," said Lewis, "but
occasionally we'll pick up someone saying,
'I was totally out of the loop on that.'"
Among former and current CEOs apprehended with this method
were Computer Associates' Sanjay Kumar, Adelphia's John Rigas,
Enron's Ken Lay, Joseph Nacchio of Qwest, Joseph Berardino of
Arthur Andersen, and every Global Crossing CEO since 1997.
ImClone Systems' Sam
Waksal and Dennis Kozlowski of Tyco were not allowed to join
the CEOnistas as they have already been indicted.
So far, about 50 chief executives have been captured,
including Martha Stewart, who was detained south of El Paso
where she had cut through a barbed-wire fence at the Zaragosa
border crossing off Highway 375.
"She would have gotten away, but she was
stopping motorists to ask for marzipan and food coloring so
she could make edible snowman place settings, using the cut
pieces of wire for the arms," said Border Patrol
officer Jennette Cushing.
"We put her in cell No. 7, because the morning
sun really adds texture to the stucco walls."
While some stragglers are believed to have successfully
crossed into Mexico, Cushing said the bulk of the CEOnistas
have holed themselves up at the Alamo.
"No, not the fort, the car rental place at the
airport," she said.
"They're rotating all the tires on the minivans
and accounting for
each change as a sales event."
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WORLDLY WOMEN
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Between the ages
of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half
discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bush land
around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like
America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and
open to trade, especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like
India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like
France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the
war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like
Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past
mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very
wide, quiet and the borders are practically unparallel, but the
frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like
England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but,
alas, no future.
After 70, they become Albania or
Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but, no one wants to go
there.
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