Bear News Beartown News
JULY 1, 2001




Old Amos was on trial for making moon shine liquor. His attorney called one of the local school teachers to be a witness. He asked her, "Mrs. Jones do you know me and why we are here?" She replied "Why of course I know you Henry. You are the lawyer for Amos and I have known you all your life. I taught you in the 5th grade and I'll tell you now that you have been a disappointment to me. You are bigoted, you have a drinking problem, and as a lawyer you stink."
Henry was startled to say the least but regaining his composure he asked "And Mrs. Jones do you know Amos the defendant?" She said "Now Henry you know that I do and let me tell you he is one more big disappointment also. Why all he does is make that sorry ole liquor and chase women and"
The Judge raps the gavel and summons Henry to the side bar. The Judge says
"If you ask her if she knows me, I'll have you placed under arrest and jailed for contempt of court!"



A newly appointed young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside service at a small country cemetary.
The young pastor started early for the cemetery, but soon lost his way. After making several wrong turns he finally arrived a half-hour late.
The hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were relaxing under a nearby tree. The pastor went to the open grave and saw the vault lid already in place. He took out his book and read the service. As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say,
"Maybe we'd better tell him that's a septic tank."

In Portland, Maine, it is illegal to tickle a girl under the chin with a feather duster.

Years ago we would have just let the horse decide

(Be Patient for Sound to Load while you read the text. IT IS WELL WORTH THE WAIT!!!)




CBS is planning "Survivor 3" this winter. It will be called "Survivor, Vermont Style".
The contestants will start in Burlington, over to Derby, Craftsbury, and down to Fairlee. They will proceed to Tunbridge, Rutland, Beartown, and Fair Haven. On to Brandon, Vergennes and back to Burlington.
Each contestant will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads:
I voted for Gore, Act 60, Civil Unions and I'm here to confiscate your guns.
The first one to make it back to Burlington alive wins!


A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.
The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"
The old farmer replied,
"Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."




Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who scratch bun should not bite fingernail.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Man who drives like hell, bound to get there.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who pass gas in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.



Artery.. The study of paintings.
Benign.. What you be, after you be eight.
Bacteria.. Back door to cafeteria.
Barium.. What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section.. A neighborhood in Rome.
Cauterize.. Made eye contact with her.
Catscan.. Searching for Kitty.
Colic.. A sheep dog.
Coma.. A punctuation mark.
D&C.. Where Washington is.
Dilate.. To live long.
Enema.. Not a friend.
Fester.. Quicker than someone else.
Fibula.. A small lie.
Genital.. Non-Jewish person.
GI Series.. World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail.. What you hang your coat on.
Impotent.. Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain.. Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.. A Doctor's cane.
Morbid.. A higher offer.
Nitrates.. Cheaper than day rates.
Node.. I knew it.
Outpatient.. A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear.. A fatherhood test.
Pelvis.. Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative.. A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.. Place to do upholstery.
Rectum.. Damn near killed him.
Secretion.. Hiding something.
Seizure.. Roman emperor.
Tablet.. A small table.
Terminal Illness.. Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor.. One plus one more.
Urine.. Opposite of you're out.
Varicose.. Nearby/close by.



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