KENTUCKY
Old Amos was on trial for making moon shine
liquor. His attorney called one of the local school
teachers to be a witness. He asked her, "Mrs. Jones
do you know me and why we are here?" She replied
"Why of course I know you Henry. You are the lawyer
for Amos and I have known you all your life. I taught you
in the 5th grade and I'll tell you now that you have been
a disappointment to me. You are bigoted, you have a
drinking problem, and as a lawyer you stink."
Henry was startled to say the least but regaining his
composure he asked "And Mrs. Jones do you know Amos
the defendant?" She said "Now Henry you know
that I do and let me tell you he is one more big
disappointment also. Why all he does is make that sorry
ole liquor and chase women and"
The Judge raps the gavel and summons Henry to the side
bar. The Judge says "If
you ask her if she knows me, I'll have you placed under
arrest and jailed for contempt of court!"
MAINE
A newly appointed young preacher was contacted
by the local funeral director to hold a graveside service
at a small country cemetary.
The young pastor started early for the cemetery, but soon
lost his way. After making several wrong turns he finally
arrived a half-hour late.
The hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were
relaxing under a nearby tree. The pastor went to the open
grave and saw the vault lid already in place. He took out
his book and read the service. As he returned to his car,
he overheard one of the workmen say, "Maybe we'd better tell him
that's a septic tank."
In
Portland, Maine, it is illegal to tickle a girl under the
chin with a feather duster.
Years
ago we would have just let the horse decide
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(Be Patient for Sound to Load
while you read the text. IT IS WELL WORTH THE
WAIT!!!)
VERMONT
SURVIVOR 3
CBS is
planning "Survivor 3" this winter. It will be
called "Survivor,
Vermont Style".
The contestants will start in Burlington, over to Derby,
Craftsbury, and down to Fairlee. They will proceed to
Tunbridge, Rutland, Beartown, and Fair Haven. On to
Brandon, Vergennes and back to Burlington.
Each contestant will be driving a pink Volvo with a
bumper sticker that reads: I voted for Gore, Act 60, Civil Unions
and I'm here to confiscate your guns.
The first
one to make it back to Burlington alive wins!
ALABAMA
A busload of politicians were driving down a
country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the
road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.
The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to
investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the
politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out,
saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all
the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they all
dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but
you know how them politicians lie."
VERMONT
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IT
IS ILLEGAL TO WHISTLE UNDERWATER
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CHINESE
Proverbs
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind
car get exhausted.
Man with one
chopstick go hungry.
Man who stand on
toilet is high on pot.
Man who scratch bun
should not bite fingernail.
Man who eat many
prunes get good run for money.
War does not
determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Man who drives like
hell, bound to get there.
Man who live in
glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who pass gas in
church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator
smell different to midget.
WEST
VIRGINIA
MEDICAL TERMS
Artery..
The study of paintings.
Benign.. What you
be, after you be eight.
Bacteria.. Back
door to cafeteria.
Barium.. What
doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section..
A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan.. Searching
for Kitty.
Colic.. A sheep dog.
Coma.. A
punctuation mark.
D&C.. Where
Washington is.
Dilate.. To live
long.
Enema.. Not a
friend.
Fester.. Quicker
than someone else.
Fibula.. A small
lie.
Genital.. Non-Jewish
person.
GI Series.. World
Series of military baseball.
Hangnail.. What you
hang your coat on.
Impotent..
Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..
Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.. A
Doctor's cane.
Morbid.. A higher
offer.
Nitrates.. Cheaper
than day rates.
Node.. I knew it.
Outpatient.. A
person who has fainted.
Pap Smear.. A
fatherhood test.
Pelvis.. Second
cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative.. A
letter carrier.
Recovery Room..
Place to do upholstery.
Rectum.. Damn near
killed him.
Secretion.. Hiding
something.
Seizure.. Roman
emperor.
Tablet.. A small
table.
Terminal Illness..
Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor.. One plus
one more.
Urine.. Opposite of
you're out.
Varicose.. Nearby/close
by.
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