THE COUNTRY CORNER

CANADA

This is the transcript of the actual conversation of a US Naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation, released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship, I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a LIGHTHOUSE. Your call!

If a WOMAN and two men were shipwrecked on a desert island for a month, what would happen?
If they're Spanish, one of the men would kill the other.
If they're Italian, the woman would kill one of the men.
If they're English, nothing would happen, because they had't been introduced.
If they're American, nothing would happen because the men would be too busy talking business to join the lady.
And if they are French - there is no problem.

A German hippie is known as a FLOWER KRAUT.

A Chinese girl-watcher is a Peking Tom.

A lovesick Asian - Sentimental Oriental

Evil diplomat -
Sinister Minister

THE IRISH IN COURT

A judge once asked the occupant of a Dublin tenement how he could possibly claim that he only threw his wife out of a second-story window out of forgetfulness.
'Well, you see, your lordship,' said he, 'we only moved in a week ago and we used to live on the ground floor.'

In a Limerick court at the end of the 1800s a judge dismissed the accused with the words, "You go from this court with no stain on your character other than that you have been acquitted by an Irish jury."

At Dublin Assizes, a man convicted of bigamy pleaded with the judge before the sentence. "My lord, I was only trying to get a good one."

The famous and popular Irish judge Lord Morris once interrupted in the examination of a doctor who had been accused of administering a fatal dose of dope to a racehorse. "Surely, doctor, a dozen grains of a poison as strong as that would be enough to kill the devil himself?"
Eager to get the better of the great man, the doctor answered with a sneer, "I don't know my lord. I've never prescribed for the devil."
"Ah, no." said Lord Morris, "nor you have, more's the pity. I was forgetting the old boy is still alive."

A great hero of the Irish bar was John Philpot Curran, who practised at the end of the eighteenth century. When a pompous prosecutor told him that he would put him in his pocket if he continued to provoke him, Curran replied "If you do that, you'll have more law in your pocket than you ever had in your head."

Mr. Justice Fitzgibbon, who later became Lord Chancellor, once dismissed Curran's argument with, "If that be the law, Mr. Curran, I may burn my law books." To which Curran retorted, "You had better read them first, my lord."

A man charged with assault in Carlow informred the court that he would not know whether to plead guilty or not guilty until after he had heard the evidence.

IN THE THIRD WORLD

A farmer had an ox and a mule that he hitched together to a plow. One night after several days of continuous plowing, the ox said to the mule "We've been working pretty hard; let's play sick tomorrow and lie here in the stalls all day."
"You can if you want to," replied the mule, "but I belive I'll go to work."
So the next morning when the farmer came out the ox played sick; the farmer bedded him down with clean straw, gave him a bucket of oats, and left him for the day as he went forth to plow with the mule alone.
All that day the ox lay in his stall and ate his feed and chewed his cud. That night when the mule came in, the ox asked how they got along with the plowing.
"Well," said the mule, "it was pretty hard and we didn't get much done."
"Did the old man say anything about me?"
"No" answered the mule.
"Well then," went on the ox "I believe I'll play sick again tomorrow; it was nice to lie here all day and rest."
"That's up to you," replied the mule, "I'm going out to plow."
So the next day the ox played off again and lay all day eating oats and chewing his cud.
When the mule came in at night, the ox asked how they got along without him.
"About the same as yesterday." replied the mule coldly.
"Did the old man have anything to say about me?" again inquired the ox.
"No," said the mule "not to me, but he did have a long talk with the butcher on the way home."

The Middle East is known for its many, small, short-lived airlines. In Bagdad an American salesman bound for an out-of-the-way desert spot was just getting setteled on a plane when the pilot walked through the cabin and announced that he would not fly the ship without an engine change. All the passengers disembarked. An hour later they were again told to get aboard. "Do you have another plane?" the American asked the steward..
"Oh no." the man replied.
"Did they change the engine?"
"Oh no," came the reply, "We changed the pilot."

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