Bear News Beartown News
JUNE 1, 2005



LONDON (AFP) - Britain is suffering a sense of humour failure, with laughter levels three times lower now than 50 years ago and nearly half of all adults unable to enjoy at least one big guffaw a day, research showed.
Money worries, relationship woes and even political concerns were among the reasons given for the collection of grim faces, according to the data, collected for the cruise company Ocean Village.
"Laughter is an essential ingredient of a healthy, happy life and is one of the most effective and immediate antidotes to stress and tension -- it really is the best medicine," said Amanda Bate from Ocean Village.
"The findings of this study show a worrying trend towards glumness. In the 1950s we laughed for an average of 18 minutes daily but this has dropped to just six minutes per day," she said.
Morning misery is rife, with almost half of Britons -- some 45 percent -- admitting they frequently wallowed in gloom until lunchtime.
Around 16 million adults, totalling 40 percent, said they failed to muster even one
proper belly laugh in an average day.
It is
not all sulking and moodiness, however, as the research found that single women aged 18 to 24 in the northern city of Manchester were the happiest people in the country.
In addition, Bristol, in western England, was named the most cheerful place for couples aged 25 to 34.
Factors such as weather, time of day and age, were all cited as being able to spark the blues.
July and August were the happiest months of the year according to three out of four people quizzed, with January the most miserable.
The study was carried out by ICM Research on behalf of Ocean Village who interviewed a random selection of 1,000 adults aged 18 or over.


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A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.
After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply
(Actual letter):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows
(actual letter):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"
The loan was approved.


Chuck was sitting in an airplane when another fellow took a seat beside him.  The new guy was an absolute wreck.... pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.
"Hey pal, what's the matter?" Chuck asked.
"Oh man.... I've been transferred to California," the other guy answered.  "There's crazy people in California.... and they have shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate...."
"Hold on," Chuck interrupted. "I've lived in California all my life and it is not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."
The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said,
"Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said Chuck. "I'm a door gunner on a bread truck in Oakland."



George Bush received a call from Russian President Putin. He says to
Bush, "Our largest condom factory has exploded. My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!" "Mr. Putin, the
American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,"
replied President Bush.
"I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you send 1,000,000 condoms
ASAP to tide us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it," said Bush.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin. "Yes?" said Bush.
"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 2" in diameter?" said Putin.
"No problem," replied the President. Mr. Putin hung up and started
laughing with his aides about how those stupid Americans will fall for
any thing.
George Bush hung up and called the CEO of a condom company. "I need a
favor. Can you send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia?"

"Consider it done," replied the CEO of the condom company. "Good! Now
listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 2" in diameter."

"Easily done. Anything else?" "Yeah," said the President, "Print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE: SMALL' on each one!!!"


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