Bear News Beartown News
JUNE 1, 2004



A lobbyist, on his way home from work in Washington, D.C., came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than

He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolled down his window and asked "Officer, what's the hold-up?"
The officer relied, "The President is depressed, so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with gasoline and set himself on fire.  He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or the worsening
deficit and economy, or that his tax cuts will help everyone except his wealthy friends.  So we're taking up a collection for him."

The lobbyist asks, "How much have you got so far?"
The officer replied, "About four gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."


       (continued from last month)
Your family likes to play card games like hearts and pinochle, and this often culminates in full-scale brawls.
You always prefer rye bread to white or wheat.
Your dad has forced you to eat horseradish, claiming that it will "put Hair on your chest" (even if you're a female!
You like to go "mushroom hunting."
People in your family have their wedding receptions at places called
"Polish Legion Hall," "Sacred Heart Center," etc.

You know the words to "Sto Lat" and sing it at birthday parties.
You can out drink all of your friends.
You have waited in line at a church or bakery to buy pierogi.
You say "I seen" rather than "I saw," "I says" rather than "I said,"
and/or "youse" rather than "you guys."

You frequently add "dere" (there) and/or "ya know" to the end of

Words like kiszka, kielbasa, and kolaczki actually mean something to

You know the difference between Czechs, Slovaks, and Slovenes, and you think they're all inferior to Poles despite the numerous glaring

You used to get a day off from school on Saint Joseph's Day (March 19
You actually know who Kosciusko and Pulaski are, and why they're


A great lesson in chivalry..... For those of you old enough to remember what chivalry was! A heartwarming story of the advances of women in achieving equality throughout the world. Barbara Walters of 20/20 ABC (USA) did a story on gender roles in Kabul several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked about ten paces behind their husbands.
She returned to Kabul recently and observed that the men now walked several paces behind their wives. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and said, "This is marvelous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women to achieve this reversal of roles?
"Land mines," said the woman.


You mention Nicholas Copernicus, Frederic Chopin, or Marie Curie
Whenever people accuse Poles of being stupid.

You have at least one relative who plays the accordion.
You are inclined to blame all the world's ills on Germans and

You have an easier time getting along with Irishmen and Italians than with non-Polish Slavs.
You're either completely overdressed or completely underdressed for
Every occasion.

If you're a woman, you wear make-up at all times - even if it's 90
Degrees outside and you're 88 years old.

Your idea of "healthy" is boiled pierogi, light beer, and filtered=20 cigarettes.
You have a potato-shaped face, a huge dupa, and/or a 'Polish nose.'
You walk into a crowd of people you don't know, talk to them like
they're your best friends in the whole world.

You hoard vast amounts of money in your house.
You have at least one bar in your house - usually in the basement.
Your family always has an excuse to hold a "poprawinie" - e.g., when
Someone dies, or when someone gets married.

You've never been to Poland, but you have mysterious relatives there to whom you send gifts and money every Christmas.




A Richardson, Texas policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem -- a 12 year old boy
was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD".
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money.  (And we used to just sell lemonade!)
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Plano, Texas.  A $40 speeding ticket was included.  Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.  The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.  As the TX State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State Police Ball."  He replied, "Texas State Troopers don't have balls."  There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said.  He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.  She was laughing too hard to start her car.

Your front yard is filled with lawn ornaments - e.g., pink flamingos, Jockey, Mary in the half shell, etc. You have relatives who are priests and nuns.
You collect "prayer cards" from funerals.
You pronounce t's as d's (e.g., you say "dis" for "this," "dat" for "that," etc
You or someone in your family owns at least one beat up, highly
Outdated Dodge or Plymouth.

You regularly attend Mass but spend most of the ceremony sleeping
and/or looking at the parish bulletin.

You're haven't been a practicing Catholic for years but everyone in
Your family insists that it's "just a phase."
You often visit cemeteries, light votive candles for dead relatives,
And generally spend an unhealthy amount of time obsessing about death.

You like to gossip and generally talk too much.
People often have trouble pronouncing your last name.
Your family is so loyal that even a second cousin would take a bullet for you.
You drink your coffee black and take your liquor straight up.


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