A tourist was attempting to board a train in
Mexico when his interpreter and the conductor got into a
terrible argument. "What's the problem here?"
"He says," explained the interpreter, "that
this is yesterday's train. Our tickets are for today's train which won't
arrive until tomorrow!"
executive from Beartown had made reservations well in
advance of his trip to Mexico. He requested the local
innkeeper have "A room prepared with special
accomodations, food, etc., etc., etc."
Arriving in the beautiful village he was shown to the
best room in the hotel. After expressing approval of the
room he was shown into an adjoining room where sat three
lovely senoritas. "Who are these attractive young
ladies?" asked the visitor.
"The three et
replied the host.
A torrential rain soaked southern Louisiana and
the resulting flood waters came up about six feet. Mrs.
Smith was sitting on the roof of her ranch style home
with her neighbor, Mrs. Jones, waiting for help to arrive.
Mrs. Jones noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the
house. She observed it repeatedly float far out into the
front yard, then float all the way back. She asked Mrs.
Smith, "Do you see that baseball cap?"
Mrs. Smith said, "Oh yes, that's my husband; I told him he was going to cut
the grass today come Hell or high water!"
A Ugandan chieftan flew to Beartown for a visit
and was met at the airport by newsmen. "Good morning,
Chief," said one reporter. "Did you have a
The Chief made a series of raucous noises - honk, oink,
screech, whistle, z-z-z-z- and then added in perfect
English, "Yes very plesant indeed."
"And how long do you plan to stay in Beartown?"
asked the reporter.
Prefacing his remarks with the same noises the Chief
answered, "Probably two weeks."
"Tell me Chief," inquired the baffled newsman,
"where did you learn to speak such flawless English?"
After the now familiar honk, oink, screech, whistle, and
zz-z-z-z, the Chief said, "Short-wave radio."
(Be Patient for Sound to Load)
KNOW THE LAW:
against the law to shave while driving a car in the
regulations state that a three-gallon jug of rum be
provided for each fire company responding to an alarm.
Hissing actors is
against the law in Boston.
State law forbids
men from going into ladies' hairdressing salons to get
waves or hair tinting.
In Haverhill the
city council forbids the holding of female wrestling
matches on the ground that they undermine the dignity of
Salem law rules
that no person shall smoke any pipe or "segar"
in any street, highway, lawn, or public building.
A Beartowntonian was traveling in Georgia
recently and was caught in a speed trap. The following
verbal exchange took place:
Officer: May I see
your driver's license?
Driver: I don't
have one. I had it suspended when I got my 4th DWI.
O: May I see the
registration certificate for this vehicle?
D: It's not my car,
I stole it.
O: The car is
D: That's right.
But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration
in the glove compartment when I was putting my gun in
O: There's a gun in
the glove compartment?
D: Yes sir. That's
where I put it after I shot and killed the car's owner
and stuffed him in the trunk.
O: There's a BODY
in the TRUNK?!?!?
D: Yes sir.
Hearing this, the
officer quickly called his Captain. The car was
surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the
driver to handle the tense situation.
Captain: Sir, can I
see your license?
D: Here it is. It
C: Who's car is
D: It's mine,
officer. Here's the registration.
The driver owned
C: Slowly open your
glove compartment so I can see if there's a gun in it.
D: Yes sir, but
there is no gun in there.
There was nothing
in the glove compartment.
C: Open your trunk.
I was told you said there was a body inside.
D: No problem.
There was no body
in the trunk.
C: I don't
understand. The officer who stopped you said you told him
you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun, and
a dead body was in the trunk.
D: Yes, and I'll bet the lying so-and-so
told you I was speeding, too.
A fatted hog has eaten his own way into trouble.
A dog will not cry
if you beat him with a juicy bone.
A little pot is
All do not bite
that show their teeth.
A louse in the
cabbage is better than no meat at all.
beginnings are hard," said the thief, and began by
stealing an anvil.
An ounce of
patience is worth a pound of intelligence.
Asses carry the
oats, and horses eat them.
A thread every day
makes a skein in a year.
Beg, don't steal
... better stretch your hand than your neck.
All are not saints
that go to church.
Caution is the
mother of tender beer glasses.
Contentment is the
best powder for women's faces.
Hens lay where they
see an egg.
He who excuses
himself, accuses himself.
He who has a choice
He who would catch
a culprit must watch behind the door.
Honest is the cat
when the meat is out of reach.
If it's not your
own, let it alone.
In marrying and
taking pills, it is best not to think about it too much.
In the land of
promise, a man may die of hunger.
It is better to
blow than to burn your mouth.
It is good to warm
one's self by another's fire.
Little is done
where many command.
Many seek good
nights and lose good days.
Milk the cow, but
don't pull off the udder.
No one can have
peace longer than his neighbor pleases.
On the gallows,
everyone is a preacher.
Promises can make
friends, but performance keeps them.
Show me a liar and
I'll show you a thief.
Starved lice bite
The most shy woman
has courage enough to talk scandal.
transplanted seldom prosper.
Were everyone to
sweep before his own house, every street would be clean.
What cannot be
cured must be endured.
When a mouse falls
into a meal sack, he thinks he is in the miller himself.
When the cook and
the butler fall out, we learn who stole the silver.
When everyone says
you are a pig, you should get in your sty.
While two dogs
fight for a bone, the third runs away with it.
brings woeful want.