Bear News Beartown News
JUNE 1, 2001



A tourist was attempting to board a train in Mexico when his interpreter and the conductor got into a terrible argument. "What's the problem here?" he asked.
"He says," explained the interpreter, "that this is yesterday's train.
Our tickets are for today's train which won't arrive until tomorrow!"

A retired executive from Beartown had made reservations well in advance of his trip to Mexico. He requested the local innkeeper have "A room prepared with special accomodations, food, etc., etc., etc."
Arriving in the beautiful village he was shown to the best room in the hotel. After expressing approval of the room he was shown into an adjoining room where sat three lovely senoritas. "Who are these attractive young ladies?" asked the visitor.
"The three et ceteras." replied the host.



A torrential rain soaked southern Louisiana and the resulting flood waters came up about six feet. Mrs. Smith was sitting on the roof of her ranch style home with her neighbor, Mrs. Jones, waiting for help to arrive.
Mrs. Jones noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. She observed it repeatedly float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back. She asked Mrs. Smith, "Do you see that baseball cap?"
Mrs. Smith said, "Oh yes, that's my husband;
I told him he was going to cut the grass today come Hell or high water!"


A Ugandan chieftan flew to Beartown for a visit and was met at the airport by newsmen. "Good morning, Chief," said one reporter. "Did you have a comfortable flight?"
The Chief made a series of raucous noises - honk, oink, screech, whistle, z-z-z-z- and then added in perfect English, "Yes very plesant indeed."
"And how long do you plan to stay in Beartown?" asked the reporter.
Prefacing his remarks with the same noises the Chief answered, "Probably two weeks."
"Tell me Chief," inquired the baffled newsman, "where did you learn to speak such flawless English?"
After the now familiar honk, oink, screech, whistle, and zz-z-z-z, the Chief said,
"Short-wave radio."

(Be Patient for Sound to Load)



It is against the law to shave while driving a car in the Commonwealth.
Marblehead regulations state that a three-gallon jug of rum be provided for each fire company responding to an alarm.
Hissing actors is against the law in Boston.
State law forbids men from going into ladies' hairdressing salons to get waves or hair tinting.
In Haverhill the city council forbids the holding of female wrestling matches on the ground that they undermine the dignity of womanhood.
Salem law rules that no person shall smoke any pipe or "segar" in any street, highway, lawn, or public building.


A Beartowntonian was traveling in Georgia recently and was caught in a speed trap. The following verbal exchange took place:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 4th DWI.
O: May I see the registration certificate for this vehicle?
D: It's not my car, I stole it.
O: The car is stolen?
D: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove compartment when I was putting my gun in there.
O: There's a gun in the glove compartment?
D: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the car's owner and stuffed him in the trunk.
O: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
D: Yes sir.
Hearing this, the officer quickly called his Captain. The car was surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation.
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
D: Here it is. It was valid.
C: Who's car is this?
D: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
The driver owned the car.
C: Slowly open your glove compartment so I can see if there's a gun in it.
D: Yes sir, but there is no gun in there.
There was nothing in the glove compartment.
C: Open your trunk. I was told you said there was a body inside.
D: No problem.
There was no body in the trunk.
C: I don't understand. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun, and a dead body was in the trunk.
D: Yes, and I'll bet the lying so-and-so told you I was speeding, too.



A fatted hog has eaten his own way into trouble.
A dog will not cry if you beat him with a juicy bone.
A little pot is soon hot.
All do not bite that show their teeth.
A louse in the cabbage is better than no meat at all.
"All beginnings are hard," said the thief, and began by stealing an anvil.
An ounce of patience is worth a pound of intelligence.
Asses carry the oats, and horses eat them.
A thread every day makes a skein in a year.
Beg, don't steal ... better stretch your hand than your neck.
All are not saints that go to church.
Caution is the mother of tender beer glasses.
Contentment is the best powder for women's faces.
Hens lay where they see an egg.
He who excuses himself, accuses himself.
He who has a choice has trouble.
He who would catch a culprit must watch behind the door.
Honest is the cat when the meat is out of reach.
If it's not your own, let it alone.
In marrying and taking pills, it is best not to think about it too much.
In the land of promise, a man may die of hunger.
It is better to blow than to burn your mouth.
It is good to warm one's self by another's fire.
Little is done where many command.
Many seek good nights and lose good days.
Milk the cow, but don't pull off the udder.
No one can have peace longer than his neighbor pleases.
On the gallows, everyone is a preacher.
Promises can make friends, but performance keeps them.
Show me a liar and I'll show you a thief.
Starved lice bite the hardest.
The most shy woman has courage enough to talk scandal.
Trees often transplanted seldom prosper.
Were everyone to sweep before his own house, every street would be clean.
What cannot be cured must be endured.
When a mouse falls into a meal sack, he thinks he is in the miller himself.
When the cook and the butler fall out, we learn who stole the silver.
When everyone says you are a pig, you should get in your sty.
While two dogs fight for a bone, the third runs away with it.
Willful waste brings woeful want.



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