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 MAY 1, 2005 |
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MAY 1, 2005 |
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THE COUNTRY CORNER |
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IRELAND
An Irishman,
Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and
each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the
bartender hands them over, three flies buzz
down and one lands in each of the pints. The
Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint
away and demands another pint. The Scotsman
picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long
swallow. The Irishman reaches in to the
glass, pinches the fly between his fingers
and shakes him while yelling,
"Spit it out ya little
bastard! Spit it out!"
Irish Miracle
An Irishman who had a little too much to
drink is driving home from the city one
night and, of course, his car is weaving
violently all over the road. A cop pulls
him over.
"So", says
the cop to the driver,
"where have ya
been?"
"Why, I've been to
the pub of course",
slurs the drunk.
"Well",
says the cop,
"it looks like
you've had quite a few to drink this
evening." "I
did all right,"
the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know,"
says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few
intersections back, your wife fell out of
your car?"
"Oh, thank
heavens",
sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there,
I thought I had gone deaf."
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IRELAND
An Irish Fight Into a Belfast
pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over
by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his
face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight",
says Paddy. "That little sod,
O'Conner", says Sean "he
couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his
hand." "That he did",
says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin he gave me with it."
"Well", says Sean,
"you should have defended yourself.
Didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did", said Paddy,
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing
of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
Irish Last Request Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary, my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father..." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'" |
IRELAND
Paddy, the famous Irishman, is driving home after downing a few at the local pub. He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees. Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop. The officer approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing. Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence and says "Fer crissakes, Paddy, that's yer air freshener!"
Irish Predicament Drunk, Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the Ole just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either." |
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