ENGLAND
Signs in Great Britan
In a Laundromat:
Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the
light goes out.
In a London department store:
Bargain Basement Upstairs
In an office:
Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it
back or further steps will be taken.
In another office:
After the tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside
down on the draining board.
On a church door:
This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is
kept locked because of the draft.
Please use side entrance.)
Outside a second hand shop:
We exchange anything -- bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring
your wife along and get a
wonderful bargain.
Quicksand Warning:
Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the
District Council.
Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be
disposed of.
In a health food shop window:
Closed due to illness.
Spotted in a safari park:
Elephants Please Stay In Your Car
Seen during a conference:
For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care
on the first floor.
Notice in a field:
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull
charges.
Message on a leaflet:
If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
On a repair shop door:
We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell
doesn't work)
Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.
PROVERBS
A bad broom leaves a dirty room.
A clean glove often hides a dirty hand.
Advice is least heeded when most needed.
Advice is what the wise don't need and
the fools won't take.
A full cup must be carried steadily.
A good beginning makes a good ending.
A gossip is seldom a good housewife at
home.
A guilty conscience needs no accuser.
A lawyer is a learned gentleman who
rescues your estate from your enemies and keeps it to himself.
3D Animated Flags
Courtesy of 3DFlags.com
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An American
touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of
sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter,
"What is that you
just served?"
The waiter replied,
" Ah senor, you
have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull
fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, said,
"What the hell,
I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied,
"I am so sorry
senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only
one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and
place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order,
and then that evening he was served the one and only special
delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the
contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said...
"These are
delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw
you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,
"Si senor.
Sometimes the bull wins."
PROVERBS
A
beard well lathered is half shaved.
Absence is love's foe; far from the
eyes, far from the heart.
A greater injury cannot be offered
to innocent chastity than unjust suspicion.
A hundred years hence we shall all
be bald.
All meats are to be eaten, and all
maids are to be wed.
All the keys fit not one woman's
chastity belt. |
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AMERICAN ENGLISH
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Clever
Verbiage
1. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backwards poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that
votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show
you A-flat miner.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully
recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in
"Linoleum Blownapart."
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was
a small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in
the end.
24. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought
she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of
defeat.
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