Bear News Beartown News
APRIL 1, 2009

THE COUNTRY CORNER

THE RULES OF VERMONT ARE AS FOLLOWS:

Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.
Let's get this straight; it's called a "dirt" road. I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're
going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
They are cattle. They're "live" steaks. That's why they smell
funny to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it.
Don't like it? I-89 or Rt 7 goes north or south. Pick one.
So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $150,000 corn pickers and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
So everyone in Vermont waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
Yeah, we eat perch and lake trout. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup. Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in the city call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL!!!

You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.
You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
College Hockey and High School Football are as important here as the
Lakers and the Knicks, and a lot more fun to watch.
Yeah, we have golf courses. Former dairy pastures, with cow paths... deal with it.

Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities, Community Colleges, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.
We have a whole ton of folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.
Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap isn't music anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. Refer back to first line.
4 inches isn't a blizzard - it's a flurry. Drive like you got some sense in it. And DON'T take all our bread, milk, and batteries from
the grocery store. This isn't Alaska, worst case you may have to live a whole day without croissants. The pickups with snow blades will have you out the next day.


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CALIFORNIA



159 years ago...
                 
 

Do you know what happened in California in September 1850, 159 years ago?
 
California became a state.
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.

Basically, it was just like California today except the women had real breasts & the men didn't hold hands.


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