Bear News Beartown News
APRIL 1, 2007



A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Bryony suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parks his car,
whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS
satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet
with e-mail on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You work for the U.S Government in the Bush administration," says the cowboy. 
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a
question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don't know a thing about cows, this is a herd of sheep.

"Now give me back my dog." 


Here are the top 10 ways to keep the Winooski River from flooding the Capitol of Montpelier.
10. Blow mulch and dirt on top of the river ice to see if the sun will melt it (being done).
9. Divert effluent from the Montpelier sewage treatment plant upstream of the ice flow in hopes the higher temperature effluent will have some effect (being done).
8. Get all Montpelier residents to back their cars to the river banks and use hoses to divert their car exhaust onto the ice.
7. At 11 p.m. this Friday, ask all the patrons of our local taverns to relieve themselves on the ice behind Montpelier High School.

6. Install a big hose from the Statehouse to the river and divert legislative hot air until the problem is solved.
5. Enact a law declaring that global warming is a fact and ceremoniously place the new law atop the river ice.
4. Have farmers, upset with the low cost of milk, dump hot cows' milk directly into the river; at least it will all be white!

3. Open the dam at Wrightsville and blow the river and surrounding valley clean; sure we'll have a flood but at least it could be on the weekend!
2. Tell the White House we've discovered weapons of mass destruction in the river and send in the Marines!
1. Bring in ex-FEMA director Michael Brown with his Arabian horses and declare out loud, with the President, "Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job!"
OR Wait until spring.




The President of Mexico today announced that his country will not participate in the 2008 Summer Olympics.
Anyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country.


Presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama and John Edwards were flying to a convention. Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."
Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."
John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw the three of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy."


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