The phone rings and
the lady of the house answers,
"Mrs. Ward, this
is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing
Laboratory When your doctor sent your
husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a
biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as
well, and we are now uncertain which one
is your husband's. Frankly the results
are either bad or terrible."
"What do you
mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the
specimens tested positive for
Alzheimer's and the other one tested
positive for AIDS. We can't tell which
is your husband's."
Can't you do the test again?"
questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can,
but Medicare will only pay for these
expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I
supposed to do now?"
"The people at
Medicare recommend that you drop your
husband off somewhere in the middle of
town. If he finds his way home, don't
sleep with him."
walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one
hand pulling a male buffalo with the
other. He says to the waiter,
The waiter says,
"Sure, Chief, coming right up." He
gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The
Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
turns and blasts the buffalo with the
shotgun, causing parts of the animal to
splatter every where, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He
has his shotgun in one hand pulling
another male buffalo with the other. He
walks up to the counter and says to the
The waiter says,
"Whoa, hold on now Chief! We're still
cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says,
"Training for upper
management position in United States
Government: Come in, drink coffee, shoot
the bull, leave mess for others to clean
up, disappear for rest of day."
TIPS FROM THE REDNECK BOOK OF MANNERS
* PERSONAL HYGIENE *
While ears need to be cleaned
regularly, this is a job that should be done in
private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can
forestall bathing for several days. However, if you
live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the
fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract
from a woman's jewelry and
alter the taste of finger foods.
* DATING (Outside the
Always offer to bait your date's
hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know
you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out
with you since I read that
stuff on the bathroom wall two
Establish with her parents what
time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM;
others might say
Monday." If the latter is
the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her
to school on time.
Always have a positive comment
about your date's appearance, such as, "Ya sure
don't sweat much for a fat broad."
* WEDDINGS *
Livestock, usually, is a poor
choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride for more than
5 seconds may get you shot.
For the groom; at least rent a
tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean
bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for
this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE *
Dim your headlights for approaching
vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in the
When approaching a four-way stop, the
vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using panty hose
and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road
with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back
Never relieve yourself from a moving
vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
* TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO
SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
IF YOU LIVED HERE YOU WOULD BE HOME NOW!
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