Bear News Beartown News
APRIL 1, 2006

THE COUNTRY CORNER

USA  MEDICARE

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
"Mrs. Ward, please." "Speaking."
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing
Laboratory When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."


An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.  He says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up."  He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.  The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter every where, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.  He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other.  He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, hold on now Chief!  We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.  What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for upper management position in United States Government: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

KENTUCKY

TIPS FROM THE REDNECK BOOK OF MANNERS

   * PERSONAL HYGIENE *
 
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and
   alter the taste of finger foods.
    
  * DATING (Outside the Family) *

Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that
   stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say
   " Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, "Ya sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."

     * WEDDINGS *

Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
For the groom; at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.


 

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 * DRIVING ETIQUETTE *
 

Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in the sights.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

    
   
* TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER
   *
 
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.


IF YOU LIVED HERE YOU WOULD BE HOME NOW!


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