Bear News Beartown News
MARCH 1, 2005




President Bush was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation in Arizona. He spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living. He referred to his career as Governor of Texas, how he had signed "YES" 1,237 times - for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval.
Although the President was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his "red brothers".
At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the President with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud President then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they come to select the new name given to the President.
They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of crap it can no longer fly.


 If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
 If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well
I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're still Here


A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly In his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister
for 48 years."


If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By now
My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him
She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure
She's Looking Better After Every Beer
I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With Ugly Women, but I've Sure Woke Up With A Few


A North Carolina redneck passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow. However, she can't touch it until she turns 14.
Folks in Georgia now go to some movies in groups of 18 or more. They were told 17 and under are not admitted.
The minimum drinking age in Tennessee has been raised to 32. It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
In Mississippi, reruns of "Hee Haw" are called documentaries.
How can you tell if a West Virginia redneck is married? There's dried tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup truck.
Tennessee has a new $3,000,000 State Lottery. The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
Recently, the Governor's Mansion in Little Rock burned down. In fact, it took out the whole trailer park.
The best thing to ever come out of Arkansas is Interstate 40.
An Alabama State Trooper stopped a pickup truck. He asked the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver said, "Bout what?"


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