Bear News Beartown News
MARCH 1, 2004



 There is no arguing with this cowboy logic. A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution. What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS . All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't breedin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em"



We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people in the South are. We challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam administered by the University of Alabama Engineering Department:
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.
2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A '65 Ford Fairlane, a '69 Chevrolet, a '67 Chevelle, or a '64 Pontiac GTO.
3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20
gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

(continued in next column)


After the Superbowl ended:
 President Bush called the winning team to tell them what a good job they did.
 Al Gore called the losing team to tell them they were robbed.
 Bill Clinton called Janet Jackson.


4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw that operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12
simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns an Alabama house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children put a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough
property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler? 
9. A coal mine operates in a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the
beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per
generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?


When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the
astronauts to a
Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo grand elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question.  His son
translated for the
NASA people:  "What are these guys in the
big suits doing?"

One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon.  When his son relayed this comment the
Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a
NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.
Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief.
NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father
had said.  The son listened to the recording and laughed profusely.
But he refused to translate.
So the
NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and
played it for other members of the tribe.  They too laughed long and
loudly, but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
Finally, an official government translator was summoned.  After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message:
"Watch out for these idiots. They have come to steal your land."


When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they
quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem,
NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a
pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.
Enjoy paying your taxes--they're due again.



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