Bear News Beartown News
FEBRUARY 1, 2006



A Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
“Darling, this is the pig I make love to when you have a headache.”
His girlfriend, lying in bed, replies:
“I think you’ll find that’s a sheep, you idiot.”
The man says:
“I think you’ll find I wasn’t talking to you.”

Illegal Immigrants and Terrorists

We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in  America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of Illegal immigrants and Terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.


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A Norwegian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
"Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Norwegian says, "Dat is easy." And he proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain?  Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Norwegian.
"Fair enough," says the boss.  "Here's your second question.  Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Norwegian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. 
"Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says,
"How on earth did you get that to be 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now.?  So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree.  Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Norwegian, so he says,
"All right, last question.  Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Norwegian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says,
"Ere you go.  One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. 
"You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Norwegian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says,
"A little dog came along and crap by each tree.  So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat make one hundred.
So, when I start?"



If you are ready for the adventure of a lifetime, TRY THIS: Enter Mexico illegally.
 Never mind immigration quotas, visas, international law, or any of that nonsense.  Once there, demand that the local Mexican government provide free medical care for you and your entire family.   Demand bilingual nurses and doctors.  Demand free bilingual local  government forms, bulletins, etc. Procreate abundantly.  Deflect any  criticism of this allegedly irresponsible reproductive behavior with,
"It is a cultural  thing You would not understand." Keep your American  identity strong. Fly Old Glory from your rooftop, or proudly display it in your front window or on your car bumper. Speak only English at home and in public and insist that your children  do likewise.  Demand  classes on American  culture in the Mexican school  system.  Demand a  local Mexican driver's license. This will afford other legal rights and  will go far to legitimize your unauthorized, illegal, presence in Mexico.  Drive around with no liability insurance and ignore local traffic laws.  Insist that local Mexican law enforcement teach English to all its officers.  Good luck!   You'll be demanding for the rest of  time, or soon be dead.
It will not happen in Mexico or any other  country in the world
EXCEPT right here in the United States. Land of the naive and the bleeding hearts!



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