Bear News Beartown News
FEBRUARY 1, 2001

THE COUNTRY CORNER

CHINA

Once upon a time, a little girl named Wang was raised by pigs in a rural hamlet of China. Behaving porcinely, she grew up wearing cute little pigtails and porkpie hats, happy as a pig in spit when her relatives, sweating like pigs, carried her around the farm piggyback.
Devoted to the classics, they all spoke
pig Latin.
Wang was an ethusiastic
little pig gal. She squealed with delight over the works of Francis Bacon and went whole hog and hog wild for cartoon characters like Porky Pig and Miss Piggy, movies like Porky's, novels like Swine Flu Over the Cuckoo's Nest, and plays like Pygmalion and Hamlet, which she loved to ham up. Naturally she rooted for the Arkansas Razorbacks pigskin program and picked up their games on her ham radio set.
Wang was an exceedingly moral person. She hated apartheid, especially when
Boers discriminate against pygmies. She knew that the practice was a pigment of the imagination, a hogshead of hogwash that could ultimately hog-tie and stymie an entire country and leave it pork mocked and squealing like a stuck pig.
She never dated
male chauvinist pigs who sell women a pig in a poke and then go squealing to their friends. One might just as well cast pearls before swine.
She also
abboared swine who live high off the hog of pork barrel politics. Snout the right thing to do. It just isn't kosher.
Wang did have her faults. She could be really
pigheaded about her room, which could look quite sloppy, like a pigpen or pigsty. And at meals she could be a real boar, eating like a pig, hogging all the food, and having a swill time pigging out on , the trough, the whole trough, and nothing but the trough.
I am hoping that this story af Wang's life will
bring home the bacon for her. Then she can save her royalties in her piggy bank and eventually stuff them into her purse, which is, of course, made out of a sow's ear.
Is th-th-that all f-f-folks? Not in a pigs eye! Beartown News is loaded with all sorts of extremely useful information and the latest news!

BOSTON TRIP
1800s

The wider of my room commands a exhileratin view of Coop's Hill, where Cotton Mather, the father of the Reformers and sich, lies berrid. I went over to Lexington yes'd'y. My Boosum hove with sollum emotioins. "& this," I said to a man who was driving a yoke of oxen, "this is where our Revolutionary forefathers asserted their independence and spilt their Blud. Classic ground!"
"Wall," the man said, "its good for white beans and potatoes, but as regards raisin' wheat, tain't worth a damn."
I returned to the Hoss Cars, part way. A pooty girl in spectacles sot near me, and was tellin' a young man how much he reminded her of a man she used to know in Waltham. Potty soon the young man got out, and smilin' in a seductiv manner I said to the girl in spectacles, "Don't I remind you of somebody you used to know?"
"Yes," she said, "you remind me of one man, but he was sent to the pennytentiary for stealin' a Bar'l of mackril - he died there, so I conclood you ain't him."
I didn't pursoo the conversation.


West AFRICAN Proverbs

Debts make slaves.
You get what you wanted and did.
First of all, sweep in front of your own hut.
No foot can stand without a leg.
Even a wise man doesn't know it all.
A woman's clothes are the price of her husband's peace.
A rope will always tear where it is weakest.
Never try to bribe a woman with presents, for after all she'll have her own way.
A guest should not be unmindful of what he owes to his host.
Dry leaves are not tobacco, and rattan not rope.

BACKWOODS INSULTS

He was mean enough to hunt bears with a hickory switch.
He lasted as long as a pint of whisky in a five-handed poker game.
He was so mad he could bite himself.
He was as drunk as a fiddler's clerk.
He was crazy enough to eat the devil with horns on.
He couldn't hit a bull's rump with a handful of banjo's.
He looks so bad his ears flop.
He was meaner'n a new-sheared sheep.
If he closed one eye he'd look like a needle.
He's so mean he'd steal a fly from a blind spider.
He was mad enough to swallow a horned tad backwards.
He didn't have manners enough to carry guts to a bear.
He was built like a snake on stilts.
He was uglier than a new sheared sheep.
His lip hangs down like a blacksmith's apron.
He was popular as a wet dog at a parlor social.
He looked like the hindquarters of bad luck.
He was so thin he could take a bath in a shotgun barrel.

RUSSIAN Proverbs

Truth is straight, but judges are crooked.
An untried friend is like an uncracked nut.
The fiddle is judged by its tune.

 

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