Bear News Beartown News
DECEMBER 1, 2003

THE COUNTRY CORNER

ALABAMA

THREE MEN -- ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND AN ALABAMA HILLBILLY -- WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.
SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE GERMAN PRESSED HIS FOREARM AND
THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HIM QUESTIONINGLY.

 "THAT WAS MY PAGER," HE SAID. " I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."
 A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE JAPANESE FELLOW LIFTED HIS PALM
TO HIS EAR.
 WHEN HE FINISHED
 HE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."
 THE HILLBILLY FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, HE DECIDED HE
HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE.
 HE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. HE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HIS BEHIND.
 THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HIM.

 THE ALABAMA HILLBILLY FINALLY SAID, "WELL,  WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT.  I'M GETTING A FAX!"
        

COUNTRY WISDOM

Don't name a pig you plan to eat.
Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.
Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how  well you bounce.
Keep skunks, lawyers and bankers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.
A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor. 
Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked.
Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
Meanness don't happen overnight.
To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses
Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal, it just ain't  helpful.
Lawyers, bankers, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.
Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.
Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.
Two can live as cheap as one if one don't eat.
Don't corner something meaner than you.
You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, assuming you want  to catch flies.
Man is the only critter who feels the need to label things as  flowers or weeds.
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
Don't go huntin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.
You can't unsay a cruel thing.
Every path has some puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.

ILLINOIS

An elderly man in Chicago calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in San Francisco and tell her." And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"They are NOT getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this." She calls Chicago immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "They're coming for Christmas and paying their own way!!"

 

Email: dernc@sover.net


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