JAPAN
Larry
realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt
unwilling to spend much money. "How
much do they cost?" he asked the
salesperson.
"That depends,"
he said. "They run from $2.00 to
$2,000."
"Let's see the $2.00 model,"
said Larry the miser.
The salesperson put the device around Larry's neck.
"You just
stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to
your pocket," he instructed.
"How does it work?"
, asked Larry.
"It is made in Japan and it doesn't
work," the salesperson replied.
"But when people see it on you,
they'll talk louder."
FRANCE
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A language instructor was explaining to her
class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are
grammatically designated as masculine
or feminine.
"House," in French, is feminine-"la
mansion."
"Pencil," in French, is masculine
- "le crayon."
One puzzled student asked,
"...What gender is computer?..."
The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French
dictionary.
So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough,
by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a
masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four
reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group
decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender
("la computer"), because:
1. No one
but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The
native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even
the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible
later retrieval; and
4. As soon
as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
your pay check on accessories for it.
The women's group,
however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le
computer"), because:
1. In
order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;
2. They
have a lot of data but they are still clueless;
3. They
are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they ARE
the problem; and
4. As soon
as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little
longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won!!!
3D Animated Flags
Courtesy of 3DFlags.com
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GERMANY
Moisha Rabinowitz
in the late 1930s fled his native land of
Germany. He sold all his assets and converted it to gold and then
had 5 sets of solid gold false teeth made.
When he arrived in New York the customs official was perplexed as
to why anybody would have 5 sets of gold teeth. So Moisha
explained.
"We Orthodox Jews have two separate
sets of dishes for meat
products and dairy products but I am so kosher and religious I
also have separate sets of teeth."
The customs official shook his head and said,
"Well that accounts for two sets of teeth.
What about the other three?"
Moisha then said "Vell us very
religious Orthodox Jews use
separate dishes for Passover, but I am so religious I have separate
teeth, one for meat and one for dairy food ".
The customs official slapped his head and then said,
"You must be a very religious man with
separate teeth for food and dairy products and likewise for
Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the
fifth set?"
"Vell to tell you the truth, once in
a while I like a ham sandwich."
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WORLD CARS
It is often said
that the reason automobile engines are usually
located at the front is that early inventors and manufacturers
could not break with tradition. Horses pull carts; so why should
not engine
"pull" the
car? However, with a single exception every one of the earliest
automobiles -
Benz, Daimler, Serpollet, Duryea, Ford, Stanley, Fiat, Packard,
to name a representative pre-1900 list from various countries -
had its engine at the rear. The exception is the French
Panhard Levassor,
of 1885.
And the reason, according to Jack Brabham's introduction to Piet
Olyslager's "Illustrated Motor Cars of the World" (1967), was so
that automobiles would not look
"like a carriage".
AUSTRALIA
QANTAS AIRLINES
P = the problem the pilots entered in
the log.
S = the solution or corrective action
taken by the mechanics.
P: Test flight
OK, except autoland very rough.
S:
Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something
loose in cockpit.
S:
Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on
windshield.
S: Live
bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in
altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S:
Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of
leak on right main landing gear.
S:
Evidence removed.
P: DME volume
unbelievably loud.
S: DME
volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction
locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S:
That's what they're there for!
P: IFF
inoperative.
S: IFF
always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected
crack in windscreen.
S:
Suspect you're right.
P: Aircraft
handles funny.
S:
Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Radar hums.
S:
Reprogrammed radar with words.
P: Mouse in
cockpit.
S: Cat
installed.
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Subject: Who's on First?
Yesterday Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in
China.
SCENE:
The Oval Office.
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George:
Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi:
Sir, I have the report about the new leader of China.
George:
Great. Let's hear it.
Condi:
Hu is the new leader of China.
George:
That's what I want to know.
Condi:
That's what I'm telling you.
George:
That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi:
Yes.
George:
I mean the fellow's name.
Condi:
Hu.
George:
The guy in China.
Condi:
Hu.
George:
The new leader of China.
Condi:
Hu.
George:
The Chinaman!
Condi:
Hu is leading China.
George:
Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi:
I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George:
Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi:
That's the man's name.
George:
That's whose name?
Condi:
Yes.
George:
Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of
China?
Condi:
Yes sir.
George:
Yassir?
You mean Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle
East.
Condi:
That's correct.
George:
Then who
is in China?
Condi:
Yes, sir.
George:
Yassir is in China?
Condi:
No, sir.
George:
Then who
is?
Condi:
Yes, sir.
George:
Yassir?
Condi:
No, sir.
George:
Look,
Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get
me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone. I bet he
knows.
Condi:
Kofi?
George:
No, thanks.
Condi:
You want Kofi?
George:
No.
Condi:
You don't want Kofi.
George:
No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
And then get me the U.N.
Condi:
Yes, sir.
George:
Not
Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi:
Kofi?
George:
No, milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi:
Call who?
George:
Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi:
Hu is the
guy in China.
George:
Will you stay out of China?!
Condi:
Yes, sir.
George:
And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the
U.N!
Condi:
Kofi?
George:
All right! Light with sugar. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi:
Rice here.
George:
Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too.
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