Bear News Beartown News
DECEMBER 1, 2002



Larry realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesperson.
"That depends," he said. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000."
"Let's see the $2.00 model," said Larry the miser.
The salesperson put the device around Larry's neck.
"You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.
"How does it work?" , asked Larry.
"It is made in Japan and it doesn't work," the salesperson replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."


A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
"House," in French, is
feminine-"la mansion."
"Pencil," in French, is
masculine - "le crayon."
One puzzled student asked,
"...What gender is computer?..."
The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary.
So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won!!!

3D Animated Flags
Courtesy of



Moisha Rabinowitz in the late 1930s fled his native land of
Germany. He sold all his assets and converted it to gold and then
had 5 sets of solid gold false teeth made.
When he arrived in New York the customs official was perplexed as
to why anybody would have 5 sets of gold teeth.  So Moisha explained.
"We Orthodox Jews have two separate sets of dishes for meat
products and dairy products but I am so kosher and religious I
also have separate sets of teeth."

The customs official shook his head and said,
"Well that accounts for two sets of teeth.  What about the other three?"
Moisha then said
"Vell us very religious Orthodox Jews use
separate dishes for Passover, but I am so religious I have separate teeth, one for meat and one for dairy food ".

The customs official slapped his head and then said,
"You must be a very religious man with separate teeth for food and dairy products and likewise for Passover.  That accounts for four sets of teeth.  What about the fifth set?"
"Vell to tell you the truth, once in a while I like a ham sandwich."


It is often said that the reason automobile engines are usually
located at the front is that early inventors and manufacturers
could not break with tradition. Horses pull carts; so why should
not engine
"pull" the car? However, with a single exception every one of the earliest automobiles - Benz, Daimler, Serpollet, Duryea, Ford, Stanley, Fiat, Packard, to name a representative pre-1900 list from various countries - had its engine at the rear. The exception is the French Panhard Levassor, of 1885. And the reason, according to Jack Brabham's introduction to Piet Olyslager's "Illustrated Motor Cars of the World" (1967), was so that automobiles would not look "like a carriage".



P = the problem the pilots entered in the log.
S = the solution or corrective action taken by the mechanics.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.


  Subject: Who's on First?
Yesterday Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in China.
SCENE:  The Oval Office.

  George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Let's hear it.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
  Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
  Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's whose name?
  Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes sir.
George: Yassir? You mean Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
  Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
  Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.  I bet he knows.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir!  The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: Call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
  Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N!
Condi: Kofi?
George: All right! Light with sugar. Now get on the phone.
  (Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too.



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